
Book_ 



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C0KR1GHT DEPOSIE 



MISS LULU BETT 
ZONA GALE 



MISS LULU BETT 

A Play 

By Zona Gale 
was awarded by Columbia University in 
June 1921, the prize of $1,000 established 
by Joseph Pulitzer for "The American 
original play, performed in New York, 
which shall best represent the educa- 
tional value and power of the stage in 
raising the standard of good morals, 
good taste and good manners." 



O.J 



MISS LULU BETT 

AN AMERICAN COMEDY 
OF MANNERS 



BY 

ZONA GALE 




D. APPLETON AND COMPANY 
NEW YORK : LONDON : MCMXXI 






COPYRIGHT, 1921, BY 

D. APPLETON AND COMPANY 



©GI.D 59074 



0C1 161921 



PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES 0» AMERICA 



-vio j 



TO 
BROCK PEMBERTON 

IN DEEP APPRECIATION 

OF HIS CREATIVE WORK 

IN PRODUCING AND STAGING 

THIS PLAY 



THE AUTHOR WISHES TO 
MAKE ACKNOWLEDGMENT TO 

MR. LYTTON W. KERNAN 

FOR ASSISTANCE TO HER 
IN MATTERS OF TECHNIQUE 



AN OPEN LETTER 

from 
THOMAS H. DICKINSON 

August 5, 1 92 1 
Dear Miss Gale : 

Any foreword that I can write to your play, Miss 
Lulu Bett, must be addressed to you, and others must 
read it, if at all, over your shoulder. As an artist you 
are, of course, not interested in definitions, being ab- 
sorbed rather in always nearer and nearer approxima^ 
tions; but I shall not, on that account, forbear to re- 
mark how much your novel, and the play that followed 
it, have widened the practice of the arts that they 
represent. 

As a matter of fact, if one would understand your 
novel, one must think of it in terms of dramatic art. 
It is a commonplace to say that this novel marks a 
turning point in your art. But perhaps it is not a 
commonplace to say that if we look back over the road 
you have traveled we shall find a theater at the cross- 
roads. 

Are we then to consider the play in the light of the 
technique of fiction? By no means! Rather one is 
filled with wonder that you, an artist heretofore of 
[ix] 



AN OPEN LETTER 

the more discursive type, should have out-theatred the 
theater when you come to practice on its narrow stage. 
If the theater is an art of condensation here is con- 
densation distilled; if of form, here is form refined and 
simplified; if of discourse, here is discourse sum- 
marized to shorthand. We are told that a true play 
is like a score for an orchestra; that it is a series of 
expert notes directed to the conductor and his players. 
Of no play of recent years is this so truly the case as 
of Miss Lulu Bett. Not here are the spacious char- 
acter analyses, the circumstantial prescriptions of 
movements from right to left. And yet in what recent 
play are characters so silhouette-clear, or are actions 
so genuinely of the fabric of the fable? Let him who 
thinks your play a "comedy of words" skip a page or 
even a speech and see where he finds himself. 

As for your two endings, — that is for you to say. 
Frankly the matter doesn't interest me greatly, for it 
goes back to the consideration of the drama as a social 
art, while I, forgetting its dependent state, would prefer 
to think of it as the product of the free spirit of the 
writer. I know that I may not so think of a play any 
more than that you may so write one. But I will not 
admit that the matter has anything to do with happy 
versus drab endings, or with the variations in inclina- 
tion of the curve of Lulu Bett's career. Nor has it 
anything to do with the relative excellence of this or 
that. It is concerned entirely with the fact that while 
as practiced to-day the art of fiction permits to the 
artist more or less independence in the use of his 
[x] 



AN OPEN LETTER 

imagination, in writing a play he can rarely forget that 
he is working with a collaborator who at the best per- 
plexes him and at the worst strikes terror to his heart. 

Granting, as I do, that you may have two endings 
I see no reason why you should not have half a dozen 
if you wish and if circumstances require them. All I 
ask is that one of these be the ending of your choice. 
If one of these endings be the artist's own I care not 
what ending he writes in collaboration. The best thing 
you have done in offering to the reader your two end- 
ings is to show him the documents in the case. To 
this extent you have taken another step toward that 
declaration of the independence of dramatic authorship 
that is sorely needed. 

For the craftmanship of your play, for the combined 
burden and opportunity you give to your producer and 
to the actors (admirably carried in every respect), 
for the courage of its refusals, not less than of its 
manifest innovations, I, with thousands of others, well- 
wishers for the American theater, am profoundly 
grateful to you. 

Thomas H. Dickinson 

Milton, Conn. 



[xi] 



FOREWORD 

For centuries people in plays have been abnormally 
distinguished. Theirs has been a peculiar facility for 
cleverness, virility, or personal charm, which has raised 
them above the individuals in the audience and made 
of the theater a place where one goes to experience 
vicariously the warm glow of uttering an epigram 
through the mouth of "Lord Goring," the deep satis- 
faction of romantic relations with a beautiful lady 
("Prince Rudolpho" acting as our agent), or the inex- 
pressible relief of having a mortgage lifted through the 
efforts of young "Tom Cartwright." 

If Art is to be held down to one of the many in- 
definite definitions given to it throughout the ages — 
that of reflecting life — then the theater has contained 
but little of Art, for it has been peopled by unnaturally 
brilliant characters living preposterous lives in a man- 
ner so totally removed from life as it is known by the 
honored members of the public that they have been 
willing to pay money to witness it as a curiosity. 

Especially in its dialogue has the stage clung to an 
artificiality which even the best of playwrights seem 
unable to shake off once the blood mounts to their 
temples and they feel the resiliency of the second act 
beneath their feet. Statistics could be brought out to 
[xiii] 



FOREWORD 

prove that, in an average gathering, the proportion of 
clever conversationalists to dull though voluble talkers 
is one to three hundred and twenty-four thousand. 
And yet almost every play contains at least three in a 
cast of ten whose repartee is unquestionably intended 
to be classed as "entertaining." 

Even the "old-home" talk of our rural dramas, the 
line, "Land sakes, ain't them pies done yet?" with 
which the first act opens, has become, in spite of its 
affectation of naturalness, so theatrical that whenever 
we hear a genuine housewife say it in a real kitchen we 
suspect her of trying to talk like an actress. 

Into this babel of artificial dialogue came Miss Lulu 
Bett bearing the revolutionary banner of banality. And 
under this banner march ninety-nine one-hundredths of 
American conversationalists. First in her book, and 
then in her play, Zona Gale discarded the ideal held by 
writers since Plutarch that their characters must say 
something unusual, and gave us "Dwight Herbert 
Deacon" to say the gorgeously conventional thing with 
epoch-making dullness. 

"The baked potato contains more nourishment than 
potatoes prepared any other way. Roasting retains it," 
he asserts in the first act. 

To which his wife replies: "That's what I always 
think." 

And the white light of truth which bursts forth from 
this conversational sally discovers Oscar Wilde to be a 
shining collection of tinsel. 

Zona Gale is the first author, to my knowledge, who 
[xiv] 



FOREWORD 

has dared to write genuinely dull dialogue. Many 
writers have achieved dull dialogue under a misappre- 
hension on their parts, and still others have started 
out with the honest intention of making their charac- 
ters dull in the interests of veracity. But these latter 
have sooner or later succumbed to the temptation either 
of enlarging upon the dullness until it became burlesque 
or of capitulating entirely and throwing in a clever line 
simply to keep up the tone of the play. 

But Miss Gale saw the truth and has kept it whole. 
She was depicting uninspired American family life 
(almost for the first time in our literature) and she 
held fast to the ideals of American family conversation. 
In the opening scene of the first act of Miss Lulu Bett 
there is not a single redeeming feature in the remarks, 
made by the Deacon family across the creamed salmon. 
It is nothing short of magnificent. 

"Dwight Herbert ,, is, of course, the high priest of 
this elaborate banality, and in his creation Miss Gale 
has given to America a man made in its own image, 
something rarely done on our native stage. And, as 
if this were not enough, she has also brought, whining 
and scuffling before the footlights, our first normal 
stage-child, in the unpleasing person of the recalcitrant 
"Monona." For years we have seen no small children 
on the stage who did not spend their time coming down- 
stairs in their nighties to reunite uncongenial parenfs 
or bringing tears to the hard eyes of adventuresses by 
telling them that they looked "des like n^vver." It 
was with the full force of an original dramatic creation 
[xv] 



FOREWORD 

therefore that "Monona Deacon," the world's most 
disagreeable stage-child, came swimming petulantly 
into our ken. She and her disillusioned "Grandma 
Bett" (a character somewhat more generic as acted but 
no less vivid), with their joint and articulate hatred of 
the rest of the family, constitute a refreshing rear- 
rangement of the hitherto idyllic characters of Child- 
hood and Old Age. 

In the interests of truth, then, Miss Gale has violated 
many sacred dramatic rules. She has given us char- 
acters who talk as people really talk and who therefore 
are dull. She has given us an old lady who is not 
sweet, and a child who is not cute. And, on the tech- 
nical side, she has begun two successive scenes with 
practically the same dialogue, so that for several min- 
utes one is scarcely distinct from the other. And in 
this last deviation from established custom she has at 
one stroke succeeded in creating an atmosphere of 
monotony and domestic routine in home life which 
stands unique among theatrical effects. 

The result of such adherence to uninspiring reality 
might well have been expected to be a failure in its 
appeal to an uninspiring nation of theater-goers. But 
Miss Gale took the chance. She wrote the play, as she 
had written the book, without compromise, and was 
rewarded by an enthusiastic public, 

Robert C. Benchley 



THE CAST 

"As produced and staged by Mr. Brock Pemberton 
beginning December 2j, 1920, at the Belmont 
Theatre, New York. 

Monona Deacon Lois Shore 

Dwight Herbert Deacon William H olden 

Ina Deacon Catherine Calhoun Doucet 

Lulu Bett Carroll McComas 

Bobby Larkin . . . . Jack Bohn 

Mrs. Bett Louis Closser Hale 

Diana Deacon Beth Varden 

Neil Cornish Willard Robertson 

Ninian Deacon Brigham Royce 

Time : The Present Place : The Middle Class 

Act I. — Scene 1. — The Deacon's dining-room. 

Scene 2. — The same ; ten days later. 
Act II. — Scene 1. — The Deacon's front porch; a 
month later. 
Scene 2. — The same; the following eve- 
ning. 
Scene 3. — The same; a fortnight later. 
Act III. — {2d version) — The Deacon's front porch. 
A morning later. 
(1st version) — Cornish's music store; the 
following morning. 

Between the scenes in Acts I and II the curtain will 
be lowered a half a minute to indicate the lapse of time, 
[xvii] 



MISS LULU BETT 



ACT I 

Scene i 

The Deacon dining room: Plain rose paper, oak 
sideboard, straight chairs, a soft old brown 
divan, table laid for supper. Large pictures of, 
say, "Paul and Virginia" and Abbott Thayer's 
"Motherhood." A door left leads to kitchen; 
a door right front leads to the passage and the 
"other" room. Back are two windows with 
lace curtains, revealing shrubbery or blossoming 
plants; and a shelf with a clock and a photograph 
of Ninian Deacon. Over the table is a gas burner 
in a glass globe. In the center of the table is 
a pink tulip in a pot. The stage is empty. 
[Enter Monona. She tiptoes to the table, tastes 
a dish or two, hides a cooky in her frock; begins 
a terrible little chant on miscellaneous notes.] 
[Enter D wight Deacon.] 

Dwight 
What! You don't mean you're in time for supper, 
baby? 



MISS LULU BETT. 

Monona 
I ain't a baby. 

Dwight 
Ain't. Ain't. Ain't. 

Monona 
Well, I ain't. 

Dwight 
We shall have to take you in hand, mama and L 
We shall-have-to-take-you in hand. 

Monona 
I ain't such a bad girl. 

Dwight 
Ain't. Ain't. Ain't. 

[Enter Ina, Door R. E.] 

Ina 
Dwightie! Have I kept you waiting? 

Dwight 
It's all right, my pet. Bear and forbear. Bear and 
forbear. 

Ina 

Everything's on the table. I didn't hear Lulu call us, 
though. She's fearfully careless. And Dwight, 
she looks so bad — when there's company I hate to 
have her around. 
[They seat themselves.] 

[2] 



MISS LULU BETT 

DWIGHT 

My dear Ina, your sister is very different from you. 

Ina 
Well, Lulu certainly is a trial. Come Monona. 

Dwight 
Live and let live, my dear. We have to overlook, 
you know. What have we on the festive board 
to-night ? 

Ina 

We have creamed salmon. On toast 

Monona 
I don't want any. 

Dwight 
Whafs this? No salmon? 

Monona 
No. 

Ina 
Oh now, pet! You liked it before. 

Monona 
I don't want any. 

Dwight 
Just a little ? A very little ? What is this ? Progeny 
will not eat? 

[3] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Ina 

She can eat if she will eat The trouble is, she will 
not take the time. 

Dwight 
She don't put her mind on her meals. 

Ina 
Now, pettie, you must eat or you'll get sick. 

Monona 
I don't want any. 

Ina 

Well, pettie — then how would you like a nice egg? 

Monona 
No. 

Ina 
Some bread and milk? 

Monona 
No. 

[Enter Lulu Bett. She carries a plate of 
muffins.] 

Ina 

Lulu, Monona won't eat a thing. I should think you 
might think of something to fix for her. 

Lulu 
Can't I make her a little milk toast? 

[4] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Monona 
Yes! 

Ina 

Well now, sister. Don't toast it too much. That last 
was too — and it's no use, she will not eat it if it's 
burned. 

Lulu 
I won't burn it on purpose. 

Ina 
Well, see that you don't . . . Lulu! Which milk are 
you going to take? 

Lulu 
The bottle that sets in front, won't I? 

Ina 

But that's yesterday's milk. No, take the fresh bottle 
from over back. Monona must be nourished. 

Lulu 
But then the yesterday's'll sour and I can't make a 
custard pie 

Dwight 
Kindly settle these domestic matters without bringing 

them to my attention at meal time. 

[Observes the tulip.] 
Flowers! Who's been having flowers sent in? 

Ina 
Ask Lulu. 

[5] 



MISS LULU BETT 

DWIGHT 

Suitors? 

Lulu 
It was a quarter. There'll be five flowers. 

Dwight 
You bought it? 

Lulu 
Yes. Five flowers. That's a nickel apiece. 

Dwight 
Yet we give you a home on the supposition that you 
have no money to spend, even for the necessities. 

Ina 

Well, but Dwightie. Lulu isn't strong enough to work. 
What's the use 

Dwight 
The justice business and the dental profession do not 
warrant the purchase of spring flowers in my 
home. 

Ina 
Well, but Dwightie 

Dwight 
No more. Lulu meant no harm. 

Ina 

The back bottle, Lulu. And be as quick as you can. 
Remember, the back bottle. She has a terrible 
[6] 



MISS LULU BETT 



will, hangs on to her own ideas, and hangs o n 
[Exit Lulu.] 

Dwight 
Forbearance my pet, forbearance. Baked potatoes. 
That's good — that's good. The baked potato 
contains more nourishment than potatoes pre- 
pared in any other way. Roasting retains it. 

Ina 

That's what I always think. 

Dwight 
Where's your mother? Isn't she coming to supper? 

Ina 

No. Tantrim. 

Dwight 
Oh ho, mama has a tantrim, eh? My dear Ina, your 
mother is getting old. She don't have as many 
clear-headed days as she did. 

Ina 

Mama's mind is just as good as it ever was, some- 
times. 

Dwight 
Hadn't I better call her up? 

Ina 

You know how mama is. 

[Enter Lulu. She takes flowerpot from table 
and throws it out the window. Exit Lulu.] 

[7] 



MISS LULU BETT 

DWIGHT 

I'd better see. 

[Goes to door and opens it.] 
Mother Bett! . . . Come and have some supper. 

Looks to me Lulu's muffins'd go down pretty 

easy! Come on — I had something funny to tell 

you and Ina. . . . 

[Returns. ] 
No use. She's got a tall one on to-night, evidently. 

What's the matter with her? 

Ina 
Well, I told Lulu to put the creamed salmon on the 
new blue platter, and mama thought I ought to 
use the old deep dish. 

Dwight 
You reminded her that you are mistress here in your 
own home? But gently, I hope? 

Ina 
Well — I reminded her. She said if I kept on using 
the best dishes I wouldn't have a cup left for my 
own wake. 

Dwight 
And my little puss insisted? 

Ina 

Why of course. I wanted to have the table look nice 
for you, didn't I? 

[8] 



MISS LULU BETT 

DWIGHT 

My precious pussy. 

Ina 

So then she walked off to her room. 

[Monona sings her terrible little chant. ,] 
Quiet, pettie, quiet ! 

Dwight 
Softly, softly, softly, softly! . . . Well, here we are, 
aren't we ? I tell you people don't know what liv- 
ing is if they don't belong in a little family circle. 

Ina 
That's what I always think. 

Dwight 
Just coming home here and sort of settling down — it's 
worth more than a tonic at a dollar the bottle. 
Look at this room. See this table. Could any- 
thing be pleasanter? 

Ina 

Monona! Now, it's all over both ruffles. And 
mama does try so hard. . . . 

Dwight 
My dear. Can't you put your mind on the occasion? 

Ina 

Well, but Monona is so messy. 

[9] 



MISS LULU BETT 

DWIGHT 

Women canwof generalize. 

[Clock strikes half hour.] 
Curious how that clock loses. It must be fully quarter 

to. It is quarter to ! I'm pretty good at guessing 

time. 

Ina 
I've often noticed that. 

Dwight 

That clock is a terrible trial. Last night it was only 

twenty-three after when the half hour struck. 

Ina 
Twenty-one I thought. 

Dwight 
Twenty-three. My dear Ina, didn't I particularly 
notice. It was twenty-three. 

Monona 
[Like lightning.] 
I want my milk toast, I want my milk toast, I want 
my milk toast. 

Ina 

Do hurry, sister. She's going to get nervous. 
[Monona chants her chant. Enter Lulu.] 

Lulu 
I've got the toast here. 

[10] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Ina 
Did you burn it? 

Lulu 
Not black. 

Dwight 
There we are. Milk toast like a ku-ween. Where is 
our young lady daughter to-night? 

Ina 

She's at Jenny Plows, at a teaparty. 

Dwight 
Oh ho, teaparty. Is it? 

Lulu 
We told you that this noon. 

Dwight 
[Frowning at Lulu.] 
How much is salmon the can now, Ina? 

Ina 
How much is it, Lulu? 

Lulu 
The large ones are forty, that used to be twenty-five. 
And the small ones that were ten, they're twenty- 
five. The butter's about all gone. Shall I wait 
for the butter woman or get some creamery? 



MISS LULU BETT 

DWIGHT 

Not at meal time, if you please, Lulu. The conversa- 
tion at my table must not deal with domestic 
matters. 

Lulu 

I suppose salmon made me think of butter. 

Dwight 

There is not the remotest connection. Salmon comes 
from a river. Butter comes from a cow. A cow 
bears no relation to a river. A cow may drink 
from a river, she may do that, but I doubt if that 
was in your mind when you spoke — you're not 
that subtle. 

Lulu 

No, that wasn't in my mind. 
[Enter Mother Bett.] 

Dwight 
Well, Mama Bett, hungry now? 

Mrs. Bett 
No, I'm not hungry. 

Ina 

We put a potato in the oven for you, mama. 

Mrs. Bett 
No, I thank you. 

Dwight 
And a muffin, Mama Bett. 

[12] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Mrs. Bett 
No, I thank you. 

Lulu 
Mama, can't I fix you some fresh tea? 

Mrs. Bett 
That's right, Lulie. You're a good girl. And see 
that you put in enough tea so as a body can taste 
tea part of the way down. 

Ina 
Sit here with us, mama. 

Mrs. Bett 
No, I thank you. I'll stand and keep my figger. 

Dwight 
You know you look like a queen when you stand up, 
straight back, high head, a regular wonder for 
your years, you are. 

Mrs. Bett 
Sometimes I think you try to flatter me. 
[Sits.] 
[Doorbell.] 

Monona 
I'll go. I'll go. Let me go. 

Dwight 
Now what can anybody be thinking of to call just at 
meal time. Can't I even have a quiet supper with 
my family without the outside world clamoring? 

[13] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Lulu 
Maybe that's the butter woman. 

Dwight 
Lulu, no more about the butter, please. 

Monona 
Come on in. Here's Bobby to see you, papa, let's feed 
him. 

Dwight 

Oh ho! So I'm the favored one. Then draw up to 

the festive board, Robert. A baked potato? 

Bobby 
No, sir. I — I wanted something else. 

Dwight 
What's this? Came to see the justice about getting 
married, did you? Or the dentist to have your 
tooth pulled — eh? Same thing — eh, Ina? Ha! 
ha! ha! 

Bobby 
I — I wondered whether — I thought if you would give 
me a job. . . . 

Dwight 
So that's it. 

Bobby 
I thought maybe I might cut the grass or cut — cut 
something. 

[14] 



MISS LULU BETT 

DWIGHT 

My boy, every man should cut his own grass. Every 
man should come home at night, throw off his 
coat and, in his vigor, cut his own grass. 

Bobby 
Yes, sir. 

Dwight 
Exercise, exercise is next to bread — next to gluten. 
Hold on, though — hold on. After dental hours 
I want to begin presently to work my garden. 
I have two lots. Property is a burden. Suppose 
you cut the grass on the one lot through the 
spring. 

Bobby 
Good enough, sir. Can I start right in now? It 
isn't dark yet. 

Dwight 
That's right, that's right. Energy — it's the driving 
power of the nation. 

[They rise, Dwight goes toward the door with 
Bobby.] 
Start right in, by all means. You'll find the mower 
in the shed, oiled and ready. Tools always ready 
— that's my motto, my boy. 
[Enter Di and Cornish. Cornish carries many 
favors."] 
Ah ha! 

[15] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Di 
Where is everybody ? Oh, hullo, Bobby! You came 
to see me? 

Bobby 
Oh, hullo! No. I came to see your father. 

Di 
Did you? Well, there he is. Look at him. 

Bobby 
You don't need to tell me where to look or what to 
do. Good-by. I'll find the mower, Mr. Deacon. 
[Exit] 

DWIGHT 

Mama! What do you s'pose? Di thought she had 
a beau — How are you, Cornish? 

Di 
•Oh, papa! Why, I just hate Bobby Larkin, and the 
whole school knows it. Mama, wasn't Mr. 
Cornish nice to help carry my favors? 

Ina 
Ah, Mr. Cornish ! You see what a popular little girl 
we have. 

Cornish 
Yes, I suppose so. That is — isn't that remarkable, 
Mrs. Deacon? 

[He tries to greet Lulu, who is clearing the 
table.] 

[16] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Di 
Oh, papa, the sweetest party — and the dearest supper 
and the darlingest decorations and the georgeous- 
est Monona, let go of me ! 

Dwight 
Children, children, can't we have peace in this house ? 

Monona 
Ah, you'll catch it for talking so smarty. 

Di 
Oh, will I? 

Ina 

Monona, don't stand listening to older people. Run 
around and play. 

[Monona runs a swift circle and returns to her 
attitude of listener.'] 

Cornish 
Pardon me — this is Miss Bett, isn't it? 

Lulu 
I — Lulu Bett, yes. 

Cornish 
I had the pleasure of meeting you the night I was 
here for supper. 

Lulu 
I didn't think you'd remember. 
[17] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Cornish 
Don't you think I'd remember that meat pie? 

Lulu 
Oh, yes. The meat pie. You might remember the 
meat pie. 
[Exit, carrying plates.] 

Cornish 
What in the dickens did I say that for? 

Ina 

Oh, Lulu likes it. She's a wonderful cook. I don't 
know what we should do without her. 

Dwight 
A most exemplary woman is Lulu. 

Ina 
That's eggsemplary, Dwightie. 

Dwight 
My darling little dictionary. 

Di 

Mama, Mr. Cornish and I have promised to go back 
to help Jenny. 

Ina 

How nice! And Mr. Cornish, do let us see you 
oftener. 

Dwight 

Yes, yes, Cornish. Drop in. Any time, you know. 

[18] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Cornish 
I'll be glad to come. I do get pretty lonesome evenings. 

[Enter Lulu, clearing table.] 
I eat out around. I guess that's why your cooking 

made such an impression on me, Miss Lulu. 

Lulu 
Yes. Yes. I s'pose it would take something like 
that. . . . 

Cornish 
Oh, no, no! I didn't mean — you mustn't think I 
meant — What'd I say that for? 

Lulu 
Don't mind. They always say that to me. 
[Exit with dishes.] 

Di 
Come on, Mr. Cornish. Jenny'll be waiting. Monona, 
let go of me! 

Monona 
/ don't want you! 

Dwight 
Early, darling, early! Get her back here early, Mr. 
Cornish. 

Cornish 
Oh, I'll have her back here as soon as ever she'll come 
— well, ah — I mean. . . . 

[19] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Di 

Good-by Dwight and Ina! 
[Exit Dt and Cornish.] 

Dwight 
Nice fellow, nice fellow. Don't know whether he'll 
make a go of his piano store, but he's studying 
law evenings. 

Ina 

But we don't know anything about him, Dwight. A 
stranger so. 

Dwight 
On the contrary I know a great deal about him. I 
know that he has a little inheritance coming to 
him. 

Ina 
An inheritance — really? I thought he was from a 
good family. 

Dwight 
My mercenary little pussy. 

Ina 
Well, if he comes here so very much you know what 
we may expect. 

Dwight 
What may we expect? 

[20] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Ina 

He'll fall in love with Di. And a young girl is awfully 
flattered when a good-looking older man pays her 
attention. Haven't you noticed that? 

Dwight 
How women generalize! My dear Ina, I have other 
matters to notice. 

Ina 
Monona. Stop listening! Run about and play. 

[Monona runs her circle and returns.} 
Well, look at that clock. It's almost your bedtime, 

anyway. 

[Enter Lulu.] 

Monona 
No. 

Ina 
It certainly is. 

Monona 
That clock's wrong. Papa said so. 

Ina 

Mama says bedtime. In ten minutes. 

Monona 
I won't go all night 

Dwight 
Daughter, daughter, daughter. . . . 

[21] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Monona 
I won't go for a week. 

[Dwight sees on clock shelf a letter. ] 

Ina 
Oh, Dwight! It came this morning. I forgot 

Lulu 
I forgot too. And I laid it up there. 

Dwight 
Isn't it understood that my mail can't wait like this? 

Lulu 
I know. I'm sorry. But you hardly ever get a letter. 

Dwight 
Of course pressing matters go to my office. Still my 

mail should have more careful 

[He reads.] 
Now! What do you think I have to tell you? 

Ina 
Oh, Dwightie! Something nice? 

Dwight 
That depends. I'll like it. So'll Lulu. It's company. 

Monona 
I hope they bring me something decent. 

Ina 
Oh, Dwight, who? 

[22] 



MISS LULU BETT 

DwiGHT 

My brother, from Oregon. 

Ina 

Ninian coming here? 

DWIGHT 

Some day next week. He don't know what a charmer 
Lulu is or he'd come quicker. 

Ina 
Dwight, it's been years since you've seen him. 

Dwight 
Nineteen — twenty. Must be twenty. 

Ina 
And he's never seen me. 

Dwight 
Nor Lulu. 

Ina 

And think where he's been. South America — Mexico 
— Panama and all. We must put it in the paper. 

Mrs. Bett 
Who's coming? Why don't you say who's coming? 
You all act so dumb. 

Lulu 
It's Dwight's brother, mother. His brother from 
Oregon. 

[23] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Mrs. Bett 
Never heard of him. 

Lulu 
[Taking photograph from shelf.] 
That one, mother. You've dusted his picture lots of 
times. 

Mrs. Bett 
That? Got to have him around long? 

Dwight 
I don't know. Wait till he sees Lulu. I expect when 
he sees Lulu you can't drive him away. He's 
going to take one look at Lulu and settle down 
here for life. He's going to think Lulu is 

Lulu 
I — think the tea must be steeped now. 
[Exit.] 

Dwight 
He's going to think Lulu is a stunner — a stunner. . . .- 

[The clock strikes. Monona shrieks.] 
Is the progeny hurt? 

Ina 
Bedtime. Now, Monona, be mama's nice little lady. 

. . . Monona, quiet, pettie, quiet. . . . 

[Lulu enters with tea and toast.] 
Lulu, won't you take her to bed? You know Dwight 

and I are going to Study Club. 

[24] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Lulu 
There, mother. Yes. I'll take her to bed. Come, 
Monona. And stop that noise instantly. 
[Monona stops. As they cross Dwight spies the 
tulip on Lulu's gown.] 

Dwight 
Lulu. One moment. You picked the flower on the 
plant ? 

Lulu 
Yes. I — picked it. 

Dwight 
She buys a hothouse plant and then ruins it! 

Lulu 

I— I 

[She draws Monona swiftly left; exeunt; the 
door slams.] 

Dwight 
What a pity Lulu hasn't your manners, pettie. 

Mrs. Bett 
What do you care? She's got yours. 

Dwight 
Mother Bett! Fare thee well. 

Mrs. Bett 
How do you stand him ? The lump ! 

[25] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Ina 

Mama dear, now drink your tea. Good-night, 
sweetie. 

Mrs. Bett 
You needn't think I forgot about the platter, because 
I ain't. Of all the extravagant doin's, courtin' 

the poorhouse 

[Exeunt Dwight and Ina. Mrs. Bett con- 
tinues to look after them, her lips moving. At 
door appears Bobby.] 

Bobby 
Where's Mr. Deacon? 

Mrs. Bett 
Gone, thank the Lord! 

Bobby 
I've got the grass cut. 

Mrs. Bett 
You act like it was a trick. 

Bobby 
Is — is everybody gone? 

Mrs. Bett 
Who's this you're talkin' to? 

Bobby 
Yes, well, I meant — I guess I'll go now. 
[Enter Di.] 

[26] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Di 
Well, Bobby Larkin. Are you cutting grass in the 
dining room? 

Bobby 

No, ma'am, I was not cutting grass in the dining room. 
[Enter Lulu, collects her mother's dishes, folds 
cloth and watches.] 

Di 
I used to think you were pretty nice, but I don't like 
you any more. 

Bobby 
Yes you used to! Is that why you made fun of me 
all the time? 

Di 
I had to. They all were teasing me about you. 

Bobby 
They were? Teasing you about me? 

Di 

I had to make them stop so I teased you. I never 
wanted to. 

Bobby 
Well, I never thought it was anything like that. 

Di 
Of course you didn't. I — wanted to tell you. 

[27] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Bobby 
You wanted 

Di 

Of course I did. You must go now — they're hearing 
us. 

Bobby 
Say 

Di 

Good-night. Go the back way, Bobby — you nice thing. 
[Exit Bobby.] 

Aunt Lulu, give me the cookies, please, and the apples. 
Mr. Cornish is on the front porch . . . mama 
and papa won't be home till late, will they? 

Lulu 
I don't think so. 

Di 
Well, I'll see to the hall light. Don't you bother. 
Good-night. 

Lulu 
Good-night, Di. 
[Exit Dl] 

Mrs. Bett 
My land ! How she wiggles and chitters. 

Lulu 
Mother, could you hear them? Di and Bobby Larkin? 

[28] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Mrs. Bett 
Mother hears a-plenty. 

Lulu 
How easy she done it . . . got him right over . . . 
how did she do that? 

Mrs. Bett 
Di wiggles and chitters. 

Lulu 
It was just the other day I taught her to sew ... I 
wonder if Ina knows. 

Mrs. Bett 
What's the use of you findin' fault with Inie? Where'd 
you been if she hadn't married I'd like to know? 
. . . What say? . . . eh? . . . I'm goin' to 
bed. . . . You always was jealous of Inie. 
[Exit Mrs. Bett.] 

[Lulu crosses to shelf, takes down photograph 
of Ninian Deacon, holds it, looks at it.] 

CURTAIN 



Scene ii 

Same set. Late afternoon. A week later. The 
table is cleared of dishes, and has an oilcloth 
cover. Bobby is discovered outside the window, 
on whose sill Di is sitting. 

Bobby 
So you despise me for cutting grass? 

Di 

No, I don't. But if you're going to be a great man 
why don't you get started at it? 

Bobby 
I am started at it — inside. But it don't earn me a cent 
yet. 

Di 
Bobby, Bobby! I know you're great now, don't you 
ever think I don't, but I want everybody else to 
know. 

Bobby 
Di, when you said that it sounded just like a — a you 
know. 

Di 
Like what? 

Bobby 
Like a wife. Gee, what a word that is! 

[30] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Di 
Isn't it? It's ever so much more exciting word than 
husband. 

[Enter Lulu, followed by Monona. Lulu 
carries bowl, pan of apples, paring knife. 
Monona carries basket of apples and a towel. 
As Lulu rattles dishes, Di turns, sees Lulu. 
Bobby disappears from window.] 





Di 








There's never any privacy in this house. 






[Exit Di.] 


Lulu 








Hurry, Monona, I 


must make the 


pies 


before I 


get 


dinner. Now 


wipe every one. 
Monona 








What for? 


Lulu 








To make the pies. 











Monona 
What do you want to make pies for? 

Lulu 
To eat. 

Monona 
What do you want to eat for? 

Lulu 
To grow strong — and even sensible. 

[31] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Monona 
It's no fun asking you a string of questions. You 
never get mad. Mama gets good and mad. 
So does papa. 

Lulu 
Then why do you ask them questions? 

Monona 
Oh, I like to get them going. 

Lulu 
Monona ! 

Monona 
I told mama I didn't pass, just so I could hear her. 

Lulu 
Why, Monona! 

Monona 
Then when I told her I did pass, she did it again. 
When she's mad she makes awful funny faces. 

Lulu 
You love her, don't you, Monona? 

Monona 
I love her best when there's company. If there was 
always company, I'd always love her. Isn't she 
sweet before Uncle Ninian though? 

[32] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Lulu 
I — I don't know. Monona, you mustn't talk so. 

Monona 
He's been here a week and mama hasn't been cross 
once. Want to know what he said about you? 

Lulu 
I — did he — did he say anything about me? 

Monona 
He told papa you were the best cook he'd ever ate. 
Said he'd et a good many. 

Lulu 
The cooking. It's always the cooking. 

Monona 
He said some more, but I can't remember. 

Lulu 
Monona, what else did he say? 

Monona 
I don't know. 

Lulu 
Try. . . . 

Monona 
Here he is now. Ask him to his face. Hullo, Uncle 
Ninian ! Good-by. 
[Exit Monona. Enter Ninian.] 
[33] 



MISS LULU BETT 

NlNIAN 

Hello, kitten! Ask him what? What do you want 

to ask him? 

Lulu 
I — I think I was wondering what kind of pies you 

like best. 

NlNIAN 

That's easy. I like your kind of pies best. The best 
ever. Every day since I've been here I've seen 
you baking, Mrs. Bett. 

Lulu 
Yes, I — bake. What did you call me then? 

NlNIAN 

Mrs. Bett — isn't it? Every one says just Lulu, but 
I took it for granted. . . . Well, now — is it Mrs. ? 
or Miss Lulu Bett? 

Lulu 
It's Miss. . . . From choice. 

NlNIAN 

You bet! Oh, you bet! Never doubted that. 

Lulu 
What kind of a Mr. are you? 

NlNIAN 

Never give myself away. Say, by George, I never 
thought of that before. There's no telling 
whether a man's married or not, by his name. 
[34] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Lulu 
It doesn't matter. 

NlNIAN 

Why? 

Lulu 
Not so many people want to know. 

NlNIAN 

Say, you're pretty good, aren't you? 

Lulu 
If I am it never took me very far. 

NlNIAN 

Where you been mostly? 

Lulu 
Here. I've always been here. Fifteen years with Ina. 
Before that we lived in the country. 

NlNIAN 

Never been anywhere much? 

Lulu 
Never been anywhere at all. 

NlNIAN 

H . . . m. Well, I want to tell you something about 
yourself. 

Lulu 
About me? 

[35] 



MISS LULU BETT 

NlNIAN 

Something that I'll bet you don't even know. It's 
this : I think you have it pretty hard around here. 

Lulu 
Oh, no! 

NlNIAN 

See here. Do you have to work like this all the time? 
I guess you won't mind my asking. 

Lulu 
But I ought to work. I have a home with them. 
Mother too. 

NlNIAN 

But glory! You ought to have some kind of a life of 
your own. 

Lulu 
How could I do that? 

NlNIAN 

A man don't even know what he's like till he's roamed 
around on his own. . . . Roamed around on his 
own. Course a woman don't understand that. 

Lulu 
Why don't she? Why don't she? 

NlNIAN 

Do you? 

[Lulu nods.] 
I've had twenty-five years of galloping about — Brazil, 

Mexico, Panama. 

[36] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Lulu 
My! 

NlNIAN 

It's the life. 

Lulu 
Must be. I 

NlNIAN 

Yes, you. Why, you've never had a thing! I guess 
you don't know how it seems to me, coming along 
— a stranger so. I don't like it. 

Lulu 
They're very good to me. 

NlNIAN 

Do you know why you think that? Because you've 
never had anybody really good to you. That's 
why. 

Lulu 

But they treat me good. 

NlNIAN 

They make a slavey of you. Regular slavey. Damned 
shame / call it. 

Lulu 
But we have our whole living 

NlNIAN 

And you earn it. I been watching you ever since I've 
been here. Don't you ever go anywhere? 

[37] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Lulu 
Oh, no, I don't go anywhere. I 

NlNIAN 

Lord! Don't you want to? Of course you do. 

Lulu 
Of course I'd like to get clear away — or I used to 
want to. 

NlNIAN 

Say — you've been a blamed fine-looking woman. 

Lulu 
You must have been a good-looking man once yourself. 

NlNIAN 

You're pretty good. I don't see how you do it — \ 
darned if I do. 

Lulu 
How I do what? 

NlNIAN 

Why come back, quick like that, with what you say. 
You don't look it. 

Lulu 
It must be my grand education. 

NlNIAN 

Education : I ain't never had it and I ain't never missed 
it. 

[38] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Lulu 
Most folks are happy without an education. 

NlNIAN 

You're not very happy, though. 

Lulu 
Oh, no. 

NlNIAN 

Well you ought to get up and get out of here — find — 
find some work you like to do. 

Lulu 
But, you see, I can't do any other work — that's the 
trouble — women like me can't do any other work. 

NlNIAN 

But you make this whole house go round. 

Lulu 
If I do, nobody knows it. 

NlNIAN 

I know it. I hadn't been in the house twenty-four 
hours till I knew it. 

Lulu 
You did? You thought that. . . . Yes, well if I do 
I hate making it go round. 

NlNIAN 

See here — couldn't you tell me a little bit about — what 
you'd like to do? If you had your own way? 

[39] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Lulu 
I don't know — now. 

NlNIAN 

What did you ever think you'd like to do? 

Lulu 
Take care of folks that needed me. I — I mean sick 
folks or old folks or — like that. Take care of 
them. Have them — have them want me. 

NlNIAN 

By George! You're a wonder. 

Lulu 
Am I? Ask Dwight. 

NlNIAN 

Dwight. I could knock the top of his head off the way 
he speaks to you. I'd like to see you get out of 
this, I certainly would. 

Lulu 
I can't get out. I'll never get out — now. 

NlNIAN 

Don't keep saying "now" like that. You — you put 
me out of business, darned if you don't. 

Lulu 
Oh, I don't mean to feel sorry for myself — you stop 
making me feel sorry for myself ! 

[40] 



MISS LULU BETT 

NlNIAN 

I know one thing — I'm going to give D wight Deacon 
a chunk of my mind. 

Lulu 
Oh, no! no! no! I wouldn't want you to do that. 
Thank you. 

Ninian 
Well, somebody ought to do something. See here — 
while I'm staying around you know you've got 
a friend in me, don't you? 









Lulu 


Do 


I?. 




Ninian 


You 


bet you 


do. 


Lulu 


Not 


just my 


cooking : 


> 



Ninian * 
Oh, come now — why, I liked you the first moment 
I saw you. 

Lulu 
Honest ? 

Ninian 
Go on — go on. Did you like me? 

Lulu 
Now you're just being polite. 

[41] 



MISS LULU BETT 

NlNIAN 

Say, I wish there was some way — — 

Lulu 
Don't you bother about me. 

NlNIAN 

I wish there was some way — « — 
[Monona's voice chants.] 
[Enter Monona.] 

Monona 

You've had him long enough, Aunt Lulu Can't 

you pay me some 'tention? 

NlNIAN 

Come here. Give us a kiss. My stars, what a great 
big tall girl! Have to put a board on her head 
to stop this growing. 

Monona 
[Seeing diamond.] 
What's that? 

NlNIAN 

That diamond came from Santa Claus. He has a 
jewelry shop in heaven. I have twenty others 
like this one. I keep the others to wear on the 
Sundays when the sun comes up in the west. 

Monona 
Does the sun ever come up in the west? 

[42] 



MISS LULU BETT 

NlNIAN 

Sure — on my honor. Some day I'm going to melt a 
diamond and eat it. Then you sparkle all over 
in the dark, ever after. I'm going to plant one 
too, some day. Then you can grow a diamond 
vine. Yes, on my honor. 

Lulu 
Don't do that — don't do that. 

NlNIAN 

What? 

Lulu 
To her. That's lying. 

NlNIAN 

Oh, no. That's not lying. That's just drama. Drama. 
Do you like going to a good show? 

Lulu 
I've never been to any — only those that come here. 

NlNIAN 

Think of that now. Don't you ever go to the city? 

Lulu 
I haven't been in six years and over. 

NlNIAN 

Well, sir, I'll tell you what I'm going to do with you. 
While I'm here I'm going to take you and Ina 
and Dwight up to the city, to see a show. 
[43] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Lulu 
Oh, you don't want me to go. 

NlNIAN 

Yes, sir, I'll give you one good time. Dinner and a 

show. 

Lulu 
Ina and Dwight do that sometimes. I can't imagine 

me. 

NlNIAN 

Well, you're coming with me. I'll look up something 
good. And you tell me just what you like to eat 
and we'll order it 

Lulu 
It's been years since I've eaten anything that I haven't 
cooked myself. 

NlNIAN 

It has. Say, by George ! why shouldn't we go to the 
city to-night. 

Lulu 
To-night ? 

NlNIAN 

Yes. If Dwight and Ina will. It's early yet. What 
do you say? 

Lulu 
You sure you want me to go? Why — I don't know 
whether I've got anything I could wear. 

[44] 



MISS LULU BETT 

NlNIAN 

Sure you have. 

Lulu 
I — yes, I have. I could wear the waist I always 
thought they'd use — if I died. 

NlNIAN 

Sure you could wear that. Just the thing. And throw 
some things in a bag — it'll be too late to come 
back to-night. Now don't you back out. . . . 

Lulu 
Oh, the pies 

NlNIAN 

Forget the pies — well, no, I wouldn't say that. But 
hustle them up. 

Lulu 
Oh, maybe Ina wont go. . . . 

NlNIAN 

Leave Ina to me. 

[Exit NlNIAN.] 

Lulu 
Mother, mother ! Monona, put the rest of those apples 
back in the basket and carry them out. 

Monona 
Yes, Aunt Lulu. 

[4ST 



MISS LULU BETT 

Lulu 

I can't get ready. They'll leave me behind. Mother ! 
Hurry, Monona. We mustn't leave such a look- 
ing house. Mother! Monona, don't you drop 
those apples. 
[Monona drops them all.'] 

My heavens, my pies aren't in the oven yet. 
{Enter Mrs. Bett.] 

Mrs. Bett 
Who wants their mother? 

Lulu 
Mother, please pick up these things for me — quick. 

Mrs. Bett 
[Leisurely] 
What is the rush, Lulie? 

Lulu 
Mother, Mr. Deacon — Ninian, you know — wants Ina 
and Dwight and me to go to the theater to-night 
in the city. 

Mrs. Bett 
Does, does he ? Well, you mind me, Lulie, and go on. 
It'll do you good. 

Lulu 
Yes, mother. I will. 
[Exit with pies.] 

[46] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Mrs. Bett 
No need breaking everybody's neck off, though, as I 
know of. Monona, get out from under my feet. 

Monona 
Grandma, compared between what I am, you are noth- 
ing. 

Mrs. Bett 
What do you mean — little ape? 

Monona 
It's no fun to get you going. You're too easy,! 
grandma dear ! 
[Exit. Enter Ninian.] 

NlNIAN 

All right — Dwight and Ina are game. Oh, Mrs. Bett ! 
Won't you come to the theater with us to-night? 

Mrs. Bett 
No. I'm fooled enough without fooling myself on 
purpose. But Lulie can go. 

NlNIAN 

You don't let her go too much, do you, Mrs. Bett ? 

Mrs. Bett 
Well, I ain't never let her go to the altar if that's 
what you mean. 

NlNIAN 

Don't you think she'd be better off? 
[47] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Mrs. Bett 

Wouldn't make much difference. Why look at me. 
A husband, six children, four of 'em under the 
sod with him. And sometimes I feel as though 
nothin' more had happened to me than has hap- 
pened to Lulie. It's all gone. For me just the 
same as for her. Only she ain't had the pain. 
[ Yawns. ] 

What was I talkin' about just then? 

NlNIAN 

Why — why — er, we were talking about going to the 

theater. 

Mrs. Bett 
Going to the theater, are you? 

[Enter Lulu.] 

NlNIAN 

It's all right, Miss Lulu. They'll go — both of them. 
Dwight is telephoning for the seats. 

Lulu 
I was wondering why you should be so kind to me. 

NlNIAN 

Kind ? Why, this is for my own pleasure, Miss Lulu. 
That's what I think of mostly. 

Lulu 
But just see. It's so wonderful. Half an hour ago 
I never thought I'd be going to the city now — 
with you all. . . . 

[48] 



MISS LULU BETT 

NlNIAN 

I'm an impulsive cuss you'll find, Miss Lulu. 

Lulu 
But this is so wonderful. . . . 

[Enter Ina.] 
Ina, isn't it beautiful that we're going? 

Ina 

Oh, are you going? 

Ninian 
Of course she's going. Great snakes, why not? 

Ina 
Only that Lulu never goes anywhere. 

Ninian 
Whose fault is that? 

Lulu 
Just habit. Pure habit. 

Ninian 
Pure cussedness somewhere. Miss Lulu, now you go 
and get ready and Ina and I'll finish straightening 
up here. 

Lulu 
Oh, I'll finish. 

Ninian 
Go and get ready. I want to see that waist. 
[49] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Lulu 
Oh, but I don't need to go yet 

NlNIAN 

Ina, you tell her to go 

Ina 
Well, but Lulu, you aren't going to bother to change 
your dress, are you ? You can slip something on 
over. 

Lulu 
If you think this would do 



NlNIAN 

It will not do. Not for my party! 
[Shuts the door upon her.] 

Ina 
How in the world did you ever get Lulu to go, Ninian ? 
We never did. 

NlNIAN 

It was very simple. I invited her. 

Ina 
Oh, you mean 

NlNIAN 

I invited her. 

[Doorbell rings. ] 
Shall I answer it? 

[50] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Ina 
Will you, please? 

[Exit Ninian.. 
Mother, have you seen Di anywhere J 

Mrs. Bett 
I ain't done nothing but see her. 
[Motions to window.] 

Ina 
[At window.] 
Forevermore. That Larkin boy again. Di! Diana 
Deacon! Come here at once. 

Di's Voice 
Yes, mama. 

[At window.] 
Want me? 

Ina 

I want you to stop making a spectacle of me before 
the neighborhood. 

Di 

Of you! 

Ina 
Certainly. What will people think of me if they see 
you talking with Robert Larkin the whole after- 
noon? 

Di 
We weren't thinking about you, mummy. 

[51] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Ina 

No. You never do think about me. Nobody thinks 
about me. And mama does try so hard 

Di 
Oh, mama, I've heard you say that fifty hundred 
times. 

Ina 

And what impression does it make ? None. . . . No- 
body listens to me. Nobody. 
[Enter Ninian cmd Cornish.] 

NlNIAN 

All right to bring him in here? 

Ina 
Oh, Mr. Cornish! how very nice to see you. 

Cornish 
Good afternoon, Mrs. Deacon. How are you, Miss 
Di? 

Ninian 
I've just been asking Mr. Cornish if he won't join us 
to-night for dinner and the show. 

Ina 
Oh, Mr. Cornish, do — we'd be so glad. 

Cornish 

Why, why, if that wouldn't be 

[52] 



MISS LULU BETT 

NlNIAN 

You're invited, Di, you know. 

Di 

Me? Oh, how heavenly! Oh, but I've an engage- 
ment with Bobby 

Ina 

But I'm sure you'd break that to go with Uncle Ninian 
and Mr. Cornish. 

Di 

Well, Fd break it to go to the theater 

Ina 

Why, Di Deacon! 

Di 
Oh, of course to go with Uncle Ninian and Mr.. 
Cornish. 

Cornish 
This is awfully good of you. I dropped in because 
I got so lonesome I didn't know what else to do- 
that is, I mean. . . . 

Ninian 
We get it. We get it. 

Ina 
We'd love to see you any time, Mr. Cornish. Now 
if you'll excuse Di and me one minute. 

[53] 



MISS LULU BETX 

Di 
Uncle Ninian, you're a lamb. 
[Exeunt Di and Ina.] 

Mrs. Bett 
I'm just about the same as I was. 

Cornish 
What — er — oh, Mrs. Bett, I didn't see you. 

Mrs. Bett 
I don't complain. But it wouldn't turn my head if 
some of you spoke to me once in a while. Say — 
can you tell me what these folks are up to? 

Cornish 
Up to ... up to? 

Mrs. Bett 
Yes. They're all stepping round here, up to some- 
thing. I don't know what. 

Ninian 
Why, Mrs. Bett, we're going to the city to the theater, 
you know. 

Mrs. Bett 
Well, why didn't you say so? 
[Enter Dwight.] 

Dwight 

Ha ! Everybody ready ? Well, well, well, well. How 

are you, Cornish ? You going too, Ina says. 

[54] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Cornish 
Yes, I thought I might as well. I mean- 



Dwight 
That's right, that's right. Mama Bett. Look here! 

Mrs. Bett 
What's that? 

DWIGHT 

Ice cream — it's ice cream. Who is it sits home and 
has ice cream put in her lap like a ku-ween? 

Mrs. Bett 
Vanilly or chocolate ? 

DWIGHT 

Chocolate, Mama Bett. 

Mrs. Bett 
Vanilly sets better. . . . I'll put it in the ice chest — I 
may eat it. 

[Takes spoon from sideboard. Exit. Cornish 
goes with her.] 

Dwight 
Where's the lovely Lulu? 

NlNIAN 

She'll be here directly. 

Dwight 
Now what I want to know, Nin, is how you've hypno- 
tized the lovely Lulu into this thing. 

[55] 



MISS LULU BETT 

NlNIAN 

Into going ? Dwight, I'll tell you about that. I asked 
her to go with us. Do you get it? I invited the 
woman. 

Dwight 
Ah, but with a way — with a way. She's never been 
anywhere like this with us. . . . Well, Nin, how 
does it seem to see me settled down into a re- 
spectable married citizen in my own town — eh? 

NlNIAN 

Oh — you seem just like yourself. 

Dwight 
Yes, yes. I don't change much. Don't feel a day 
older than I ever did. 

NlNIAN 

And you don't act it. 

Dwight 
Eh, you wouldn't think it to look at us, but our aunt 
had her hands pretty full bringing us up. Nin, 
we must certainly run up state and see Aunt 
Mollie while you're here. She isn't very well. 

NlNIAN 

I don't know whether I'll have time or not. 

[56] 



MISS LULU BETT 

DWIGHT 

Nin, I love that woman. She's an angel. When I 
think of her I feel — I give you my word — I feel 
like somebody else. 
[Enter Mrs. Bett and Cornish.] 

NlNIAN 

Nice old lady. 

Mrs. Bett 
Who's a nice old lady? 

Dwight 
You, Mama Bett! Who else but you — eh? Well, 
now, Nin, what about you. You've been saying 
mighty little about yourself. What's been hap- 
pening to you, anyway? 

NlNIAN 

That's the question. 

Dwight 
Traveling mostly — eh? 

NlNIAN 

Yes, traveling mostly. 

Dwight 
I thought Ina and I might get over to the other side 
this year, but I guess not — I guess not. 

Mrs. Bett 
Pity not to have went while the going was good. 

[57] 



MISS LULU BETT 

D WIGHT 

What's that, Mama Bett? 

[Enter Lulu.] 
Ah, the lovely Lulu. She comes, she comes! My 

word what a costoom. And a coiifure. 

Lulu 
Thank you. How do you do, Mr. Cornish? 

Cornish 
How do you do, Miss Lulu? You see they're taking 
me along too. 

Lulu 
That's nice. But, Mr. Deacon, I'm afraid I can't go 
after all. I haven't any gloves. 

NlNIAN 

No backing out now. 

Dwight 
Can't you wear some old gloves of Ina's? 

Lulu 
No, no. Ina's gloves are too fat for me — I mean too 
— mother, how does this hat look? 

Mrs. Bett 

You'd ought to know how it looks, Lulie. You've had 

it on your head for ten years, hand-running. 

[58] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Lulu 
And I haven't any theater cape. I couldn't go with 
my jacket and no gloves, could I? 

D'WIGHT 

Now why need a charmer like you care about clothes ! 

Lulu 
I wouldn't want you gentlemen to be ashamed of me. 

Cornish 
Why, Miss Lulu, you look real neat. 

Mrs. Bett 
Act as good as you look, Lulie. You mind me and 
go on. 
[Enter Ina.] 

Dwight 
Ha! All ready with our hat on! For a wonder, all 
ready with our hat on. 

Ina 
That isn't really necessary, Dwight. 

Lulu 
Ina, I wondered — I thought about your linen duster. 
Would it hurt if I wore that? 

Dwight 
The new one? 

[59] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Lulu 
Oh no, no. The old one. 

Ina 

Why take it, Lulu, yes, certainly. Get it, Dwightie, 
there in the hall. 
[Dwight #0^.] 

Cornish 
Miss Lulu, with all the solid virtues you've got, you 
don't need to think for a moment of how you look. 

Lulu 
Now you're remembering the meat pie again, aren't 
you? 
[Enter Dwight.] 

Dwight 
Now! The festive opera cloak. Allow me! My 
word, what a picture ! Lulu the charmer dressed 
for her deboo into society, eh? 

NlNIAN 

Dwight, shut your head. I want you to understand 
this is Miss Lulu Bett's party — and if she says to 
leave you home, we'll do it. 

Dwight 
Ah, ha! An understanding between these two. 

Cornish 
Well, Miss Lulu, I think you're just fine anyway. 

[60] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Lulu 
Oh, thank you. Thank you. . . . 
[Enter Di.] 

Ina 

All ready, darling? 

Di 
All ready — and so excited ! Isn't it exciting, Mr. 
Cornish ? 

Dwight 
Bless me if the whole family isn't assembled. Now 
isn't this pleasant ! Ten — let me see — twelve min- 
utes before we need set out. Then the city and 
dinner — not just Lulu's cooking, but dinner ! By 
a chef. 

Ina 

That's sheff, Dwightie. Not cheff. 

Dwight 
[Indicating Ina.] 
Little crusty to-night. Pettie, your hat's just a little 
mite — no, over the other way. 

Ina 

Was there anything to prevent your speaking of that 
before? 

Lulu 

Ina, that hat's ever so much prettier than the old one. 

[61] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Ina 
I never saw anything the matter with the old one. 

Dwight 
She'll be all right when we get started — out among the 
bright lights. Adventure — adventure is what the 
woman wants. I'm too tame for her. 

Ina 
Idiot. 

[Back at window, Bobby Larkin appears. Di 
slips across to him.] 

Mrs. Bett 
I s'pose you all think I like being left sitting here stark 
alone? 

Ninian 
Why, Mrs. Bett 

Ina 
Why, mama 

Lulu 
Oh, mother, I'll stay with you. 

Dwight 
Oh, look here, if she really minds staying alone I'll 
stay with her. 

Mrs. Bett 
Where you going anyway? 

[62] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Lulu 
The theater, mama. 

Mrs. Bett 
First I've heard of it. 

r MoNONA is heard chanting.] 

Ina 

You'll have Monona with you, mama. 

[Mrs. Bett utters one note of laughter, thin and 

high. 
[Enter Monona.] 

Monona 
Where you going? 

Ina 

The city, dear. 

[Monona cries.] 
Now quiet, pettie, quiet ■ 

Monona 
You've all got to bring me something. And I'm going 
to sit up and eat it, too. 

Mrs. Bett 
Come here, you poor, neglected child. 

[Throughout the following scene Mrs. Bett is 
absorbed with Monona, and Di with Bobby.] 

Dwight 
What's Lulu the charmer so still for, eh? 

[63] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Lulu 
I was thinking how nice it is to be going off with you 
all like this. 

Dwight 
Such a moment advertises to the single the joys of 
family life as Ina and I live it. 

Ina 

It's curious that you've never married, Ninian. 

NlNIAN 

Don't say it like that. Maybe I have. Or maybe I 
will. 

Dwight 
She wants everybody to marry but she wishes she 
hadn't. 

Ina 
Do you have to be so foolish ? 

Dwight 
Hi — better get started before she makes a scene. It's 
too early yet, though. Well — Lulu, you dance on 
the table. 

Ina 

Why, Dwight? 

Dwight 
Got to amuse ourselves somehow. They'll begin to 
read the funeral service over us. 

[64] 



MISS LULU BETT 

NlNIAN 

Why not the wedding service? 

Dwight 
Ha, ha, ha! 

NlNIAN 

I shouldn't object. Should you, Miss Lulu? 

Lulu 
I — I don't know it so I can't say it 

NlNIAN 

I can say it. 

Dwight 
Where'd you learn it? 

NlNIAN 

Goes like this: I, Ninian, take thee, Lulu, to be my 
wedded wife. 

Dwight 
Lulu don't dare say that. 

NlNIAN 

Show him, Miss Lulu. 

Dwight 
I, Lulu, take thee, Ninian, to be my wedded husband. 

NlNIAN 

You will? 

[65] 



i 



MISS LULU BETT 

Lulu 
I will. There — I guess I can join in like the rest of 
you. 

NlNIAN 

And I will. There, by Jove ! have we entertained the 
company, or haven't we? 

Ina 
Oh, honestly — I don't think you ought to — holy things 
so — what's the matter, Dwightie? 

Dwight 
Say, by George, you know, a civil wedding is binding 
in this state. 

NlNIAN 

A civil wedding — oh, well 

Dwight 
But I happen to be a magistrate. 

Ina 

Why, Dwightie — why, Dwightie. . . . 

Cornish 
Mr. Deacon, this can't be possible. 

Dwight 
I tell you, what these two have said is all that they 
have to say according to law. And there don't 
have to be witnesses — say! 
[66] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Lulu 
Don't . . . don't . . . don't let Dwight scare you. 

NlNIAN 

Scare me! why, I think it's a good job done if you 
ask me. 
[Their eyes meet in silence.] 

Ina 
Mercy, sister! 

Dwight 
Oh, well — I should say we can have it set aside up in 
the city and no one will be the wiser. 

NlNIAN 

Set aside nothing. I'd like to see it stand. 

Ina 
Ninian, are you serious? 

NlNIAN 

Of course I'm serious. 

Ina 
Lulu. You hear him ? What are you going to say to 
that? 

Lulu 
He isn't in earnest. 

Ninian 
I am in earnest — hope to die. 

[67] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Lulu 
Oh, no, no! 

NlNlAN 

You come with me. We'll have it done over again 
somewhere if you say so. 

Lulu 
Why — why — that couldn't be. . . . 

NlNIAN 

Why couldn't it be — why couldn't it? 

Lulu 
How could you want me? 

NlNIAN 

Didn't I tell you I liked you from the first minute I 

saw you? 

Lulu 
Yes. Yes, you did. But — no, no. I couldn't let 

you 

NlNIAN 

Never mind that. Would you be willing to go with 
me? Would you? 

Lulu 
But you — you said you wanted— oh, maybe you're just 
doing this because 

NlNIAN 

Lulu. Never mind any of that. Would you be will- 
ing to go with me? 

[68] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Lulu 
Oh, if I thought 

NlNIAN 

Good girl 

Ina 

Why, Lulu. Why, Dwight. It can't be legal. 

Dwight 
Why? Because it's your sister? I've married dozens 
of couples this way. Dozens. 

NlNIAN 

Good enough — eh, Lulu? 

Lulu 
It's — it's all right, I guess. 

Dwight 
Well, 111 be dished. 

Cornish 
Well, by Jerusalem. . . . 

Ina 

Sister ! 

NlNIAN 

I was going to make a trip south this month on my 
way home from here. Suppose we make sure of 
this thing and start right off. You'd like that, 
wouldn't you? Going to Savannah? 

[69] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Lulu 
Yes, I'd like that. 

NlNIAN 

Then that's checked off. 

Dwight 
I suppose we call off our trip to the city to-night then. 

NlNIAN 

Call off nothing. Come along. Give us a send-off. 
You can shoot our trunks after us, can't you? 
All right, Miss Lulu — er — er, Mrs. Lulu? 

Lulu 
If you won't be ashamed of me. 

NlNIAN 

I can buy you some things in the city to-morrow. 

Lulu 
Oh. . . . 

Ina 

Oh, mama, mama ! Did you hear? Di! Aunt Lulu's 
married. 

Di 

Married? Aunt Lulu? 

Ina 
Just now. Right here. By papa. 

[70] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Di 
Oh, to Mr. Cornish? 

Cornish 
No, Miss Di. Don't you worry. 

Ina 

To Ninian, mama. They've just been married — ■ 
Lulu and Ninian. 

Mrs. Bett 
Who's going to do your work? 

Lulu 
Oh, mother dearest — I don't know who will. I ought 
not to have done this. Well, of course, I didn't 

do it 

Mrs. Bett 
I knew well enough you were all keeping something 
from me. 

Ina 
But, mama! It was so sudden 1 

Lulu 
I never planned to do it, mother — not like this 

Mrs. Bett 
Well, Inie, I should think Lulie might have had a little 
more consideration to her than this. 
[At the window, behind the curtain, Di has just 
kissed Bobby good-by.~\ 

[71] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Lulu 
Mother dearest, tell me it's all right 

Mrs. Bett 
This is what comes of going to the theater. 

Lulu 

Mother 

Dwight 
Come on, everybody, if we're going to make that train. 

NlNIAN 

Yes. Let's get out of this. 

Cornish 
Come, Miss Di. 

Ina 
Oh, I'm so flustrated! 

Dwight 
Come, come, come all ! On to the festive city ! 

Monona 
[Dancing stiffly up and down.] 
I was to a wedding! I was to a wedding! 

NlNIAN 

Good-by, Mama Bett! 

Lulu 
Mother, mother! Don't forget the two pies! 

CURTAIN 

[72] 



ACT II 

Scene i 

Side porch, wicker furnished. At the back are two 
windows, attractively curtained and revealing 
shaded lamps; between the windows a door, of 
good lines, set in white clapboards. The porch is 
raised but a step or two. Low greenery, and a 
path leading off sharply left. It is evening, a 
month after Lulu's marriage. 

[Discover In a, D wight, Mrs. Beit and Monona.] 

Ina 

Dwight dear, the screen has never been put on that 
back window. 

Dwight 
Now, why can't my puss remind me of that in the 
morning instead of the only time I have to take 
my ease with my family. 

Ina 
But, Dwight, in the mornings you are so busy 

Dwight 
What an argumentative puss you are. By Jove ! look 
at that rambler rosebush. It's got to be sprayed. 

[73] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Ina 
You've said that every night for a week, Dwight. . . . 

Dwight 
Don't exaggerate like that, Ina. It's bad for Monona. 

Ina 
Dwight, look, quick. There go our new neighbors. 
They have a limousine — Perhaps I have been a 
little slow about calling. Look at them, Dwight! 

Dwight 
My dear Ina, I see them. Do you want me to pat them 
on the back? 

Ina 
Well, I think you might be interested. 

[Monona chants softly.'] 
Dwight, I wonder if Monona really has a musical gift. 

Dwight 
She's a most unusual child. Do you know it ? 
[Enter Di, from house.] 

Ina 
Oh, they both are. Where are you going, I'd like to 
know? Di 

Mama, I have to go down to the liberry. 

Ina 

It seems to me you have to go to the library every 
evening. Dwight, do you think she ought to go? 

[74] 



MISS LULU BETT 

DWIGHT 

Diana, is it necessary that you go ? 

Di 
Well, everybody else goes, and 

Ina 

I will not have you downtown in the evenings. 

Di 
But you let me go last night. 

Ina 

All the better reason why you should not go to-night. 

Monona 
Mama, let me go with her. 

Ina 
Very well, Di, you may go and take your sister. 

Monona 
Goody, goody ! last time you wouldn't let me go. 

Ina 
That's why mama's going to let you go to-night. 

Dwight 

I thought you said the child must go to bed half an 

hour earlier because she wouldn't eat her egg. 

Ina 
Yes, that's so, I did. Monona, you can't go. 
[75] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Monona 
But I didn't want my tgg — honest I didn't 

Ina 

Makes no difference. You must eat or you'll get sick. 
Mama's going to teach you to eat. Go on, Di, 
to the library if it's necessary. 

Dwight 
I suppose Bobby Larkin has to go to the library to- 
night, eh? 

Ina 

Dwight, I wouldn't joke her about him. Scold her 
about him, the way you did this morning. 

Di 
But papa was cross about something else this morning. 
And to-night he isn't. Good-by, Dwight and Ina ! 
[Exit Di.] 

Monona 
I hate the whole family. 

Mrs. Bett 
Well, I should think she would. 

Ina 
Why, mama! Why, Pettie Deacon! 
[Monona weeps silently.] 

[76] 



MISS LULU BETT 

DWIGHT 

[To Ina.] 
Say no more, my dear. It's best to overlook. Show 
a sweet spirit. . . . 

Mrs. Bett 
About as much like a father and mother as a cat and 
dog. 

DWIGHT 

We've got to learn 

Mrs. Bett 
Performin' like a pair of weathercocks. 
[Both talking at once.] 

Dwight 
Mother Bett! Are you talking, or am I? 

Mrs. Bett 
I am. But you don't seem to know it. 

Dwight 
Let us talk, pussy, and she'll simmer down. Ah — 
nothing new from the bride and groom ? 

Ina 

No, Dwight. And it's been a week since Lulu wrote. 
She said he'd bought her a new red dress — and 
a hat. Isn't it too funny — to think of Lulu 

Dwight 
I don't understand why they plan to go straight to 
Oregon without coming here first. 
l77l 



MISS LULU BETT 

Ina 
It isn't a bit fair to mama, going off that way. Leav- 
ing her own mother — why, she may never see 
mama again. 

Mrs. Bett 
Oh I'm going to last on quite a while yet 

Dwight 
Of course you are, Mama Bett. You're my best 
girl. That reminds me, Ina, we must run up to 
visit Aunt Mollie. We ought to run up there next 
week. She isn't well. 

Ina 

Let's do that. Dear me, I wish Lulu was here to leave 
in charge. I certainly do miss Lulu — lots of 
ways. 

Mrs. Bett 
'Specially when it comes mealtime. 

Ina 
Is that somebody coming here? 

Dwight 
Looks like it — yes, so it is. Some caller, as usual. 

[Enter Lulu.] 
Well, if it isn't Miss Lulu Bett. 

Ina 
Why, sister! 

[78] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Mrs. Bett 
Lulie. Lulie. Lulie. 

Lulu 
How did you know? 

Ina 

Know what? 

Lulu 
That it isn't Lulu Deacon. 

Dwight 
What's this? 

Ina 

Isn't Lulu Deacon. What are you talking? 

Lulu 
Didn't he write to you? 

Dwight 
Not a word. All we've had we had from you — the 
last from Savannah, Georgia. 

Lulu 
Savannah, Georgia. . . . 

Dwight 
Well, but he's here with you, isn't he? 

Ina 
Where is he? Isn't he here? 

[79] 





MISS LULU BETT 




Lulu 


Must be most to Oregon by this time. 




DWIGHT 


Oregon ? 






Lulu 


You see, he had another wife. 




Ina 


Another wife! 


i 




DWIGHT 


Why, he had 


not. 



Lulu 
Yes, another wife. He hasn't seen her for fifteen 
years and he thinks she's dead. But he isn't sure. 

Dwight 
Nonsense. Why of course she's dead if he thinks so. 

Lulu 
I had to be sure. 

Ina 
Monona! Go upstairs to bed at once. 

Monona 
It's only quarter of. 

Ina 
Do as mama tells you. 

Monona 

But 

[80] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Ina 
Monona ! 

[She goes, kissing them all good-night and tak- 
ing her time about it. Everything is suspended 
while she kisses them and departs, walking 
slowly backward.] 

Mrs. Bett 
Married? Lulie, was your husband married? 

Lulu 
Yes, my husband was married, mother. 

Ina 

Mercy, think of anything like that in our family. 

Dwight 
Well, go on — go on. Tell us about it 

Lulu 
We were going to Oregon. First down to New Or- 
leans and then out to California and up the 
coast. . . . Well, then at Savannah, Georgia, he 
said he thought I better know first. So then he 
told me. 

Dwight 
Yes — well, what did he say? 

Lulu 
Cora Waters. Cora Waters. She married him down 
in San Diego eighteen years ago. She went to 
South America with him. 
[81] 



MISS LULU BETT 

DWIGHT 

Well, he never let us know of it, if she did. 

Lulu 
No. She married him just before he went. Then in 
South America, after two years, she ran away. 
That's all he knows. 

Dwight 
That's a pretty story. 

Lulu 
He says if she was alive she'd be after him for a 
divorce. And she never has been so he thinks 
she must be dead. The trouble is he wasn't sure. 
And I had to be sure. 

Ina 
Well, but mercy! Couldn't he find out now? 

Lulu 
It might take a long time and I didn't want to stay 
and not know. 

Ina 

Well then why didn't he say so here? 

Lulu 
He would have. But you know how sudden every- 
thing was. He said he thought about telling us 
right here that afternoon when — when it hap- 
pened but of course that'd been hard, wouldn't 
it? And then he felt so sure she was dead. 

[82] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Ina 

Why did he tell you at all then? 

Dwight 
Yes. Why indeed? 

Lulu 
I thought that just at first but only just at first. Of 
course that wouldn't have been right. And then 
- t ou see he gave me my choice. 

Dwight 
Gave you your choice? 

Lulu 
Yes. About going on and taking the chances. He 
gave me my choice when he told me, there in 
Savannah, Georgia. 

Dwight 
What made him conclude by then that you ought to 
be told? 

Lulu 
Why, he'd got to thinking about it. 

[A silence.] 
The only thing as long as it happened I kind of 

wish he hadn't told me till we got to Oregon. 

Ina 
Lulu! Oh, you poor poor thing. . . . 

[Mrs. Bett suddenly joins Ina in tears, rock- 
ing her body.] 

[83] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Lulu 
Don't, mother. Oh, Ina, don't. ... He felt bad too. 

Dwight 
He! He must have. 

Ina 

It's you. It's you. My sister! 

Lulu 
I never thought of it making you both feel bad. I 
knew it would make Dwight feel bad. I mean, 
it was his brother 

Ina 
Thank goodness! nobody need know about it. 

Lulu 
Oh, yes. People will have to know. 

Dwight 
I do not see the necessity. 

Lulu 
Why, what would they think? 

Dwight 
What difference does it make what they think? 

Lulu 
Why, I shouldn't like — you see they might — why, 
Dwight, I think we'll have to tell them. 

[84] 



MISS LULU BETT 

DWIGHT 

You do. You think the disgrace of bigamy in this 
family is something the whole town will have to 
know about. 

Lulu 
Say. I never thought about it being that 

Dwight 
What did you think it was? And whose disgrace is 
it, pray? 

Lulu 
Mine. And Ninian's. 

Dwight 
Ninian's. Well, he's gone. But you're here. And 
I'm here — and my family. Folks'll feel sorry for 
you. But the disgrace, that would reflect on me. 

Lulu 
But if we don't tell what'll they think? 

Dwight 
They'll think what they always think when a wife 
leaves her husband. They'll think you couldn't 
get along. That's all. 

Lulu 
I should hate that. I wouldn't want them to think 
I hadn' been a good wife to Ninian. 

[85] 



MISS LULU BETT 

DWIGHT 

Wife? You never were his wife. That's just the 
point. 

Lulu 
Oh! 

DWIGHT 

Don't you realize the position he's in ? . . . See here — 
do you intend — Are you going to sue Ninian? 

Lulu 
Oh! no! no! no! 

Ina 
Why, Lulu, any one would think you loved him. 

Lulu 
I do love him. And he loved me. Don't you think 
I know? He loved me. 

Ina 

Lulu. 

Lulu 
I love him — I do, and I'm not ashamed to tell you. 

Mrs. Bett 
Lulie-, Lulie, was his other wife — was she there? 

Lulu 
No, no, mother. She wasn't there. 

Mrs. Bett 
Then it ain't so bad. I was afraid maybe she turned 
you out. 

[86] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Lulu 
No, no. It wasn't that bad, mother. 

Dwight 
In fact I simply will not have it, Lulu. You expect, 
I take it, to make your home with us in the future 
on the old terms. 

Lulu 

Well 

Dwight 
I mean did Ninian give you any money? 

Lulu 

No. He didn't give me any money — only enough 
to get home on. And I kept my suit and the 
other dress — why! I -wouldn't have taken any 
money. 

Dwight 

That means that you will have to continue to live here 
on the old terms and of course I'm quite willing 
that you should. Let me tell you, however, that 
this is on condition — on condition that this dis- 
graceful business is kept to ourselves. 

Ina 

Truly, Lulu, wouldn't that be best ? They'll talk any- 
way. But this way they'll only talk about you 
and the other way it'll be about all of us. 

Lulu 
But the other way would be the truth. 
[87] 



MISS LULU BETT 

DWIGHT 

My dear Lulu, are you sure of that? 

Lulu 
Sure? 

DWIGHT 

Yes. Did he give you any proofs? 

Lulu 
Proofs? 

Dwight 
Letters — documents of any sort? Any sort of assure 
ance that he was speaking the truth? 

Lulu 
Why — no. Proofs — no. He told me. 

Dwight 
He told you! 

Lulu 
That was hard enough to have to do. It was terrible 
for him to have to do. What proofs 

Dwight 
I may as well tell you that I myself have no idea that 
Ninian told you the truth. He was always im- 
agining things, inventing things — you must have 
seen that. I know him pretty well — have been 
in touch with him more or less the whole time. 
In short I haven't the least idea he was ever 
married before. 

[88] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Lulu 
I never thought of that. 

Dwight 
Look here — hadn't you and he had some little tiff when 
he told you? 

Lulu 
No — no ! Not once. He was very good to me. This 

dress — and my shoes — and my hat. And another 

dress, too. 

[She takes off her hat.] 
He liked the red wing — I wanted black — oh, Dwight ! 

He did tell me the truth ! 

Dwight 
As long as there's any doubt about it — and I feel the 
gravest doubts — I desire that you should keep 
silent and protect my family from this scandal. 
I have taken you into my confidence about these 
doubts for your own profit. 

Lulu 
My own profit! 

[Moves toward the door.] 

Ina 

Lulu — you see! We just couldn't have this known 

about Dwight' s own brother, could we now? 

[89] 



MISS LULU BETT 

DwiGHT 

Yon have it in your own hands to repay me, Lulu, 
for anything that you feel I may have done for 
you in the past. You also have it in your hands 
to decide whether your home here continues. 
This is not a pleasant position for me to find 
myself in. In fact it is distinctly unpleasant I 
may say. But you see for yourself. 
[Lulu goes into the house. ,] 

Mrs. Bett 
Wasn't she married when she thought she was? 

Ina 

Mama, do please remember Monona. Yes — Dwight 
thinks now she's married all right and that it 
was all right, all the time. 

Mrs. Bett 
Well, I hope so, for pity sakes. 

Monona's Voice 
[From upstairs.'] 
Mama! Come on and hear me say my prayers, why 
don't you? 

DARKNESS 



Scene ii 

Ina seated. Monona jumping on and off the porch, 
chanting. 
[Enter Dwight.] 

Dwight 
Ah, this is great ... no place like home after all, is 
there? 

Ina 
Now, Monona, sit down and be quiet. You've played 
enough for one day. 
[Enter Mrs. Bett.] 

Monona 
How do you know I have? 

Dwight 
Ah, Mama Bett. Coming out to enjoy the evening 
air? / 

Mrs. Bett 
No, I thank you. 

Dwight 
Well, well, well, let's see what's new in the great press 
of our country. ■. . . 

[They are now seated in the approximate posi- 
tions assumed at the opening of Scene l] 

[91] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Ina 

Dwight dear, nothing has been done about that screen 
for the back window. 

Dwight 

Now why couldn't my puss have reminded me of that 
this morning instead of waiting for the only time 
I have to take my ease with my family. 

Ina 

But Dwightie, in the mornings you're so busy 

Dwight 
You are argumentative, pussy — you certainly are. 
And you ought to curb it. For that matter I 
haven't sprayed that rambler rosebush. 

Ina 

Every single night for a month you've spoken of 
spraying that rosebush. 

Dwight 

Ina, will you cease your exaggerations on Monona's 
account if not on mine. Exaggeration, my pet, is 
one of the worst of female faults. Exaggera- 
tion 

Ina 

Look, Dwight! our new neighbors have got a dog. 
Great big brute of a thing. He's going to tear 
up every towel I spread on our grass. . . . 
[Enter Di, from the house.] 

Now, Di, where are you going? 

[92] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Di 

Mama, I have to go down to the liberry. 

Ina 

Now, Di 

Di 

You let me go last night. 

Monona 
Mama, I can go, can't I? Because you wouldn't let 
me go last night. 

Ina 
No, Monona, you may not go. 

Monona 
Oh, why not? 

Ina 

Because mama says so. Isn't that enough? 

Mrs. Bett 
Anybody'd think you was the king — layin' down the 

law an' layin' down the law an' layin' down 

Where's Lulie? 

Di 

Mama, isn't Uncle Ninian coming back? 

Ina 
Hush. . . . No. Now don't ask mama any more 
questions. 

[93] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Di 
But supposing people ask me. What'll I say? 

Ina 
Don't say anything at all about Aunt Lulu. 

Di 
But, mama, what has she done? 

Ina 

Di ! Don't you think mama knows best ? 

Di 
[Softly.] 

No, I don't. . . . Well anyway Aunt Lulu's got on 
a perfectly beautiful dress to-night. . . . 

Ina 

And you know, Dwight, Lulu's clothes give me the 
funniest feeling. As if Lulu was wearing things 
bought for her by some one that wasn't — that 
was 

Dwight 
By her husband who has left her. 

Di 
Is that what it is, papa? 

Dwight 
That's what it is, my little girl. 

[94] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Di 
Well, I think it's a shame. And I think Uncle Ninian 
is a slunge. 

Ina 

Di Deacon! 

Di 
I do! And I'd be ashamed to think anything else. 
I'd like to tell everybody. 

Dwight 
There's no need for secrecy now. 

Ina 

Dwight, really — do you think we ought > 

Dwight 
No need whatever for secrecy. The truth is Lulu's 
husband has tired of her and sent her home. We 
may as well face it. 

Ina 
But Dwight — how awful for Lulu. . • . 

Dwight 
Lulu has us to stand by her. 
[Enter Lulu.] 

Lulu 

That sounds good. That I have you to stand by me. 

[95] 



MISS LULU BETT 

DWIGHT 

My dear Lulu, the family bond is the strongest bond 
in the world. Family. Tribe. The — er — pack. 
Standing up for the family honor, the family rep- 
utation is the highest nobility. 
[Exit Di by degrees. Left.] 

I tell you of all history the most beautiful product is 
the family tie. Of it are born family considera- 
tion 

Ina 

Why, you don't look like yourself ... is it your hair, 
Lulu? You look so strange. . . . 

Lulu 
Don't you like it? Ninian liked it. 

Dwight 
In that case I think you'd show more modesty if you 
arranged your hair in the old way. 

Lulu 
Yes, you would think so. Dwight, I want you to give 
me Ninian's Oregon address. 

Dwight 
You want what? 

Lulu 
Ninian's Oregon address. It's a funny thing but 
I haven't it. 

[96] 



MISS LULU BETT 

DWIGHT 

It would seem that you have no particular need for 
that particular address. 

Lulu 
Yes I have. I want it. You have it haven't you, 
Dwight? 

DwiGHT 

Certainly I have it. 

Lulu 
Won't you please write it down for me? 
[She offers him tablet.] 

Dwight 
My dear Lulu, now why revive anything? No good 
can come by 

Lulu 
But why shouldn't I have his address? 

Dwight 
If everything is over between you why should you? 

Lulu 
But you say he's still my husband. 

Dwight 
If my brother has shown his inclination as plainly as 
I judge that he has it is certainly not my place 
to put you in touch with him again. 

[97] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Lulu 
I don't know whose place it is. But I've got to know 
more — I've got to know more, Dwight. This 
afternoon I went to the post office to ask for his 
address — it seemed so strange to be doing that, 
after all that's been — They didn't know his ad- 
dress — I could see how they wondered at my 
asking. And I knew how the others wondered — 
Mis' Martin, Mis' Curtis, Mis' Grove. "Where 
you hiding that handsome husband of yours?" 
they said. All I could say was that he isn't here. 
Dwight! I won't live like that. I want to know 
the truth. You give me Ninian's address. 

Dwight 
My dear Lulu ! My dear Lulu ! You are not the one 
to write to him. Have you no delicacy? 

Lulu 
So much delicacy that I want to be sure whether I'm 
married or not. 

Dwight 
Then I myself will take this up with my brother. I 
will write to him about it. 

Lulu 
Here's everything — if you're going to write him, do 
it now. 

Dwight 
My dear Lulu ! don't be absurd. 

[98] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Lulu 
Ina! Help me! If this was D wight — and they didn't 
know whether he had another wife or not and 
you wanted to ask him and you didn't know 
where he was — oh, don't you see? Help me. 

Ina 

Well of course. I see it all, Lulu. And yet — why 
not let Ehvight do it in his own way? Wouldn't 
that be better? 

Lulu 
Mother! 

Mrs. Bett 
Lulie. Set down. Set down, why don't you? 

Lulu 
Dwight, you write that letter to Ninian. And you 
make him tell you so that you'll understand. I 
know he spoke the truth. But I want you to 
know. 

Dwight 
M — m. And then I suppose as soon as you have 
the proofs you're going to tell it all over town. 

Lulu 
I'm going to tell it all over town just as it is — unless 
you write to him. 

Ina 

Lulu! Oh, you wouldn't! 

[99] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Lulu 
I would. I will. 

Dwight 
And get turned out of the house as you would be ? 

Ina 

Dwight. Oh, you wouldn't! 

Dwight 
I would. I will. Lulu knows it. 

Lulu 
I shall tell what I know and then leave your house 
anyway unless you get Ninian's word. And 
you're going to write to him now. 

Dwight 
You would leave your mother? And leave Ina? 

Lulu 
Leave everything. 

Ina 
Oh, Dwight ! We can't get along without Lulu. 

Dwight 
Isn't this like a couple of women? . . . Rather than 
let you in for a show of temper, Lulu, I'd do 
anything. 
[Writes.] 

[ioo] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Monona 
[Behind Ina.] 
Mama, can I write Uncle Ninian a little letter, too? 

Ina 

For pity sakes, aren't you in bed yet? 

Monona 
It's only quarter of. 

Ina 

Well you may go to bed now because you have sat 
there listening. How often must mama tell you 
not to listen to grown people. 

Monona 
Do they always say something bad? 

Ina 

Monona, you are to go up to bed at once. 

[She makes her leisurely rounds for kisses.] 

Monona 
Papa, it's your turn to hear me say my prayers to- 
night. 

Dwight 
Very well, pettie. When you're ready call me. 

[Exit Monona.] 
There, Lulu. The deed is done. Now I hope you're 
satisfied. 

[Places the letter in his pocket. ,] 
[IOI] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Lulu 
I want you to give me the letter to mail, please. 

D'WIGHT 

Why this haste, sister mine ? I'll mail it in the morn- 
ing. 

Lulu 
I'll mail it now. Now. 

Dwight 
I may take a little stroll before bedtime — I'll mail it 
then. There's nothing like a brisk walk to induce 
sound restful sleep. 

Lulu 
I'll mail the letter now. 

Dwight 
I suppose I'll have to humor your sister, Ina. Purely 
on your account you understand. 
[Hands the letter.] 

Ina 

Oh, Dwight, how good you are! 

Lulu 
There's — there's one thing more I want to speak about 
If — if you and Ina go to your Aunt Mollie's then 
Ninian's letter might come while you're away. 

Dwight 
Conceivably. Letters do come while a man's away. 
[102] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Lulu 
Yes. And I thought if you wouldn't mind if I opened 

it 

Dwight 
Opened it? Opened my letter? 

Lulu 
Yes, you see it'll be about me mostly. You wouldn't 
mind if I did open it? 

Dwight 
But you say you know what will be in it, Miss Bett? 

Lulu 
I did know till you — I've got to see that letter, Dwight. 

Dwight 
And so you shall. But not until I show it to you. My 
dear Lulu, you know how I hate having my mail 
interfered with. You shall see the letter all in 
good time when Ina and I return. 

Lulu 
You wouldn't want to let me — just see what he says? 

Dwight 
I prefer always to open my own letters. 

Lulu 
Very well, Dwight. 

[She moves away. Right] 
[103] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Ina 
And Lulu, I meant to ask you: Don't you think it 
might be better if you — if you kept out of sight 
for a few days? 

Lulu 
Why? 

Ina 
Why set people wondering till we have to? 

Lulu 
They don't have to wonder as far as I'm concerned. 
[Exit] 

Mrs. Bett 
I'm going through the kitchen to set with Grandma 
Gates. She always says my visits are like a dose 
of medicine. 
[Exit Mrs. Bett.] 

Ina 

It certainly has changed Lulu — a man coming into 
her life. She never spoke to me like that before. 

Dwight 
I saw she wasn't herself. I'd do anything to avoid 
having a scene — you know that. . . . You do 
know that, don't you? 

Ina 

But I really think you ought to have written to Ninian. 
It's — it's not a nice position for Lulu. 
[104] 



MISS LULU BETT 

DWIGHT 

Nice! But whom has she got to blame for it? 

Ina 

Why, Ninian. 

Dwight 
Herself ! To tell you the truth, I was perfectly amazed 
at the way she snapped him up here that after- 
noon. 

Ina 
Why but Dwight 

Dwight 
Brazen. Oh, it was brazen. 

Ina 

It was just fun in the first place. 

Dwight 
But no really nice woman 

Ina 

Dwightie — what did you say in the letter? 

Dwight 
What did I say? I said, I said: "Dear Brother, I 
take it that the first wife story was devised to 
relieve you of a distasteful situation. Kindly con- 
firm. Family well as usual. Business fair." 
Covers it, don't it? 

[105] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Ina 
Oh, Dwightie — how complete that is. 

Dwight 
I'm pretty good at writing brief concise letters — that 
say the whole thing, eh? 

Ina 

Fve often noticed that. . . . 

Dwight 
My precious pussy. . . . Oh, how unlike Lulu you 
are! 
[Right. Di and Bobby appear, walking very 

slowly and very near.] 
[Dwight rises, holds out his arms.] 

Ina 
Poor dear foolish Lulu! oh, Dwight — what if it was 
Di in Lulu's place? 

Dwight 
Such a thing couldn't happen to Di. Di was born 
with ladylike feelings. 

[They enter the house. Ina extinguishes a lamp. 
Dwight turns down the hall gas. Pause. Di 
and Bobby come to the veranda.] 

Di 
Bobby dear ! You don't kiss me as if you really wanted 
to kiss me to-night. . . . 

DARKNESS 

[106] 



Scene hi 

The same. Evening, a week later. Stage Hooded 
with moonlight, house lighted. At the piano, 
just inside the window, Lulu and Cornish are 
finishing a song together, Lulu accompanying. 

How sweet the happy evening's close, 
'Tis the hour of sweet repose — 
Good-night. 

The summer wind has sunk to rest, 
The moon serenely bright 
Unfolds her calm and gentle ray, 
Softly now she seems to say, 
Good-night. 

[As they sing, Di slips into the house, unseen.] 

Cornish 
Why, Miss Lulu, you're quite a musician. 

Lulu 
Oh, no. I've never played in front of anybody » 

[They come to the porch.] 
I don't know what Ina and Dwight would say if they 

heard me. 

Cornish 
What a pretty dress that is, Miss Lulu ! 
[107] 



->**c 



MISS LULU BETT 

Lulu 
I made this from one of Ina's old ones since she's been 
gone. I don't know what Ina and Dwight are 
going to say about this dress, made like this, when 
they get home. 

Cornish 
When are they coming back? 

Lulu 
Any time now. They've been gone most a week. Do 
you know I never had but one compliment before 
that wasn't for my cooking. 

Cornish 
You haven't ! 

Lulu 
He told me I done up my hair nice. That was after 
I took notice how the ladies in Savannah, Georgia, 
done up theirs. 

Cornish 
I guess you can do most anything you set your hand 
to, Miss Lulu: Look after Miss Di and sing 
and play and cook 

Lulu 
Yes, cook. But I can't earn anything. I'd like to 
earn something. 

Cornish 

You would ! Why, you have it fine here, I thought. 

[108] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Lulu 
Oh, fine, yes. Dwight gives me what I have. And I 
do their work. 

Cornish 
I see. I never thought of that. . . . 
[Pause.] 

Lulu 
You're wondering why I didn't stay with him! 

Cornish 
Oh, no. 

Lulu 
Yes you are ! The whole town's wondering. They're 
all talking about me. 

Cornish 
Well, Miss Lulu, you know it don't make any differ- 
ence to your friends what people say. 

Lulu 
But they don't know the truth. You see, he had an- 
other wife. 

Cornish 
Lord sakes! 

Lulu 
Dwight thinks it isn't true. He thinks — he didn't 
have another wife. . . . You see, Dwight thinks 
he didn't want me. 

[109] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Cornish 
But — your husband — I mean, why doesn't he write to 
Mr. Deacon and tell him the truth 

Lulu 
He has written. The letter's in there on the piano. 

Cornish 
What'd he say? 

Lulu 
Dwight doesn't like me to touch his mail. I'll have 
to wait till he comes back. 

Cornish 

Lord sakes ! . . . You — you — you're too nice a girl to 

get a deal like this. Darned if you aren't. 

Lulu 
Oh, no. 

Cornish 
Yes you are, too! And there ain't a thing I can do. 

Lulu 
It's a good deal to have somebody to talk to. . • . 

Cornish 
Sure it is. 

Lulu 

.... Cora Waters. Cora Waters, of San Diego, 

California. And she never heard of me. 

[no] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Cornish 

No. She never did, did she? Ain't life the darn 

[Enter Mrs. Bett.] 

Mrs. Bett 
I got Monona into bed. And it's no fool of a job 
neither. 

Lulu 
Did you, mother? Come and sit down. 

Mrs. Bett 
Yes. She went to bed with a full set of doll 
dishes. . . . Ain't it nice with the folks all gone? 
... I don't hear any more playin' and singin'. 
It sounded real good. 

Lulu 
We sung all I knew how to play, mama. 

Mrs. Bett 
I use' to play on the melodeon. 

Cornish 
Well, well, well. 

Mrs. Bett 
That was when I was first married. We had a little 
log house in a clearing in York State. I was 
seventeen — and he was nineteen. While he was 
chopping I use' to sit on a log with my sewing. 
Jenny was born in that house. I was alone at the 

[in] 



MISS LULU BETT 

time. I was alone with her when she died, too. 

She was sixteen — little bits of hands she had 

[Yawns. Rises, wanders toward door.] 
Can't we have some more playin' and singin' ? 

Lulu 
After a little while, mama — dear. 

Mrs. Bett 
It went kind of nice — that last tune you sung. 
[Hums the air. Enters house.] 

Cornish 
I must be going along too, Miss Lulu. 

Lulu 
I can't think why Di doesn't come. She ought not to 

be out like this without telling me 

[Mrs. Bett appears beside the piano, lifts and 
examines the letters lying there.] 

Cornish 
Well, don't you mind on my account. I've enjoyed 
every minute I've been here. 

Lulu 
Mother ! Those are Dwight's letters — don't you touch 
them. 

Mrs. Bett 
I ain't hurting them or him neither. 

[Disappears, tJte letters in her hand.] 
[112] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Cornish 
Good-night, Miss Lulu. If there was anything I 
could do at any time you'd let me know, wouldn't 
you? 

Lulu 
Oh, thank you. 

Cornish 
I've had an awful nice time, singing, and listening to 
you talk — well of course — I mean the supper was 
just fine ! And so was the music. 

Lulu 
Oh, no. 

[Mrs. Bett appears at the door with a letter."] 

Mrs. Bett 
Lulie. I guess you didn't notice. This one's from 
Ninian. 

Lulu 
Mother 

Mrs. Bett 
I opened it — why of course I did. It's from Ninian. 
[Holds out unfolded letter and an old newspaper 
clipping.] 
The paper's awful old — years back, looks like. See. 
Says "Corie Waters, music hall singer — married 
last night to Ninian Deacon" — Say, Lulie, that 
must be her. 

[»3] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Lulu 

Yes, that's her. That's her — Cora Waters. . . . Oh, 

then he was married to her just like he said! 

Cornish 
Oh, Miss Lulu! I'm so sorry! 

Lulu 
No, no. Because he wanted me! He didn't say that 
just to get rid of me ! 

Cornish 
Oh, that way. ... I see. . . . 

Lulu 
I'm so thankful it wasn't that. 

Mrs. Bett 
Then everything's all right onct more. Ain't that nice ! 

Lulu 
I'm so thankful it wasn't that. 

Cornish 
Yes, I can understand that. Well, I — I guess I ought 
to be going now, Miss Lulu. . . . Why, it is Miss 
Lulu Bett, isn't it? 

Lulu 
[Abstractedly, with the paper.] 
Yes — yes — good-night, Mr. Cornish. Good-night 

[114] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Cornish 
Good-night, Miss Lulu. ... I wonder if you would 
let me tell you something. 

Lulu 

Why 

Cornish 

I guess I don't amount to much. I'll never be a lawyer. 
I'm no good at business and everything I say 
sounds wrong to me. And yet I do believe I 
do know enough not to bully a woman — not to 
make her unhappy, maybe even — I could make 
her a little happy. Miss Lulu, I hate to see you 
looking and talking so sad. Do you think we 

could possibly arrange 

Lulu 

Oh! 

Cornish 

I guess maybe you've heard something about a little 
something I'm supposed to inherit. Well, I got 
it. Of course, it's only five hundred dollars. We 
could get that little Warden house and furnish up 
the parlor with pianos — that is, if you could ever 
think of marrying me. 

Lulu 
Don't say that — don't say that ! 

Mrs. Bett 

Better take him, Lulie. A girl ought to take any young 

man that will propose in front of her mother ! 

["Si 



MISS LULU BETT 

Cornish 
Of course if you loved him very much then I'd ought 
not to be talking this way to you. 

Lulu 
You see Ninian was the first person who was ever 
kind to me. Nobody ever wanted me, nobody 
ever even thought of me. Then he came. It 
might have been somebody else. It might have 
been you. But it happened to be Ninian and I 
do love him. 

Cornish 
I see. I guess you'll forgive me for what I said. 

Lulu 
Of course. 

Cornish 
Miss Lulu, if that five hundred could be of any use 
to you, I wish you'd take it. 

Lulu 
Oh, thank you, thank you, I couldn't. 

Cornish 
Well, I guess I'll be stepping along. If you should 
want me, I'm always there. I guess you know 
that. 
[Exit] 

Mrs. Bett 
Better burn that up. I wouldn't have it round. 
[116] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Lulu 
But mother! Mother dear, try to understand. This 
means that Ninian told the truth. He wasn't just 
trying to get rid of me. 

Mrs. Bett 
Did he want you to stay with him? 

Lulu 
I don't know. But I think he did. Anyway, now 
I know the truth about him. 

Mrs. Bett 
Well, I wouldn't want anybody else to know. Here, 
let me have it and burn it up. 

Lulu 
Mama, mama! Aren't you glad for me that now 
I can prove Ninian wasn't just making up a story 
so I'd go away? 

Mrs. Bett 
[Clearly and beautifully.] 
Oh, Lulu! My little girl! Is that what they said 
about you? Mother knows it wasn't like that. 
Mother knows he loved you. . . . How still it 
is here! Where's Inie? 

Lulu 
They've gone away, you know. . . . 

[117] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Mrs. Bett 
Well, I guess I'll step over to Grandma Gates's a spell. 
See how her rheumatism is. I'll be back before 
long — I'll be back. . . . 

[Exit. For a moment Lulu breaks down and 
sobs. Rises to lay Dwight's letter through the 
window on piano. Slight sound. She listens. 
Enter Di from house. She is carrying a trav- 
eling bag.] 

Lulu 
Di ! Why Di ! What does this mean ? Where were 
you going? Why, mama won't like your carry- 
ing her nice new satchel. . . . 

Di 
Aunt Lulu — the idea. What right have you to inter- 
fere with me like this? 

Lulu 
Di, you must explain to me what this means. . . . Di, 
where can you be going with a satchel this time 
of the night ? Di Deacon, are you running away 
with somebody? 

Di 
You have no right to ask me questions, Aunt Lulu. 

Lulu 
Di, you're going off with Bobby Larkin. Aren't you ? 
Aren't you? 

[118] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Di 
If I am it's entirely our own affair. 

Lulu 
Why, Di. If you and Bobby want to be married why 
not let us get you up a nice wedding here at 
home 

Di 
Aunt Lulu, you're a funny person to be telling me 
what to do. 

Lulu 
I love you just as much as if I was married happy, 
in a home. 

Di 

Well, you aren't. And I'm going to do just as I think 
best. Bobby and I are the ones most concerned in 
this, Aunt Lulu. 

Lulu 
But — but getting married is for your whole life! 

Di 
Yours wasn't. 

Lulu 
Di, my dear little girl, you must wait at least till 
mama and papa get home. 

Di 
That's likely. They say I'm not to be married till 
I'm twenty-one. 

["9] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Lulu 
Well, but how young that is. 

Di 
It is to you. It isn't young to me, remember, Aunt 
Lulu. 

Lulu 
But this is wrong — it is wrong! 

Di 
There's nothing wrong about getting married if you 
stay married. 

Lulu 
Well, then it can't be wrong to let your mother and 
father know. 

Di 
It isn't. But they'd treat me wrong. Mama'd cry 
and say I was disgracing her. And papa — first 
he'd scold me and then he'd joke me about it. 
He'd joke me about it every day for weeks, 
every morning at breakfast, every night here on 
the porch — he'd joke me. 

Lulu 
Why, Di ! Do you feel that way, too ? 

Di 
You don't know what it is to be laughed at or paid 
no attention to, everything you say. 

[I20] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Lulu 
Don't I? Don't I? Is that why you're going? 

Di 
Well, it's one reason. 

Lulu 
But Di, do you love Bobby Larkin? 

Di 
Well. ... I could love almost anybody real nice that 
was nice to me. 

Lulu 
Di . . . Di. . . . 

Di 
It's true. 

[Bobby enters.] 
You ought to know that. . . . You did it. Mama 
said so. 

Lulu 
Don't you think that I don't know. . . . 

Di 
Oh, Bobby, she's trying to stop us ! But she can't do 
it — I've told her so 

Bobby 
She don't have to stop us. We're stopped. 

Di 
What do you mean? 

[121] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Bobby 
We're minors. 

Di 
Well, gracious — you didn't have to tell them that. 

Bobby 
No. They knew / was. 

Di 
But, silly. Why didn't you tell them you're not 

Bobby 
But I am. 

Di 
For pity sakes — don't you know how to do anything? 

Bobby 
What would you have me do, I'd like to know ? 

Di 
Why tell them we're both — whatever it is they want 
us to be. We look it. We know we're re- 
sponsible — that's all they care for. Well, you are 
a funny. . . . 

Bobby 

You wanted me to He? 

Di 

Oh! don't make out you never told a fib. 

Bobby 

Well, but this — why, Di — about a thing like this. . . . 

[122] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Di 
I never heard of a lover flatting out like that! 

Bobby 
Anyhow, there's nothing to do now. The cat's out. 
I've told our ages. We've got to have our folks 
in on it. 

Di 
Is that all you can think of? 

Bobby 

What else is there to think of? 

Di 
Why, let's go to Bainbridge or Holt and tell them 
we're of age and be married there. 

Lulu 
Di, wherever you go I'll go with you. I won't let 
you out of my sight. 

Di 
Bobby, why don't you answer her? 

Bobby 
But I'm not going to Bainbridge or Holt or any town 
and lie, to get you or any other girl. 

Di 
You're about as much like a man in a story as — as 
papa is. 

[Enter D wight and Ina.] 
[123] 



MISS LULU BETT 

DWIGHT 

What's this? What's this about papa? 

Ina 

Well, what's all this going on here? 

Lulu 
Why, Ina! 

Di 

Oh, mama! I — I didn't know you were coming so 
soon. Hello, dear ! Hello, papa ! Here's — here's 
Bobby. . . . 

DWIGHT 

What an unexpected pleasure, Master Bobby. 

Bobby 
Good-evening, Mrs. Deacon. Good-evening, Mr. 
Deacon. 

Dwight 
And Lulu. Is it Lulu? Is this lovely houri our Lulu? 
Is this Miss Lulu Bett? Or is this Lulu some- 
thing else by now? You can't tell what Lulu'll 
do when you leave her alone at home. Ina — our 
festive ball gown ! 

Lulu 
Ina, I made it out of that old muslin of yours, you 

know. I thought you wouldn't care 

[124] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Ina 

Oh, that ! I was going to use it for Di but it doesn't 
matter. You are welcome to it, Lulu. Little 
youthful for anything but home wear, isn't it? 

D'WIGHT 

It looks like a wedding gown. Why are you wearing 
a wedding gown — eh, Lulu? 

Ina 
Di Deacon, what have you got mama's new bag for? 

Di 
I haven't done anything to the bag, mama. 

Ina 
Well, but what are you doing with it here? 

Di 
Oh, nothing! Did you — did you have a good time? 

Ina 
Yes, we did — but I can't see. . . . Dwight, look at Di 
with my new black satchel. 

Dwight 
What is this, Diana? 

Di 
Well, I'm — I'm not going to use it for anything. 

Ina 
I wish somebody would explain what is going on here. 
Lulu, can't you explain? 

[125] 



MISS LULU BETT 

DwiGHT 

Aha! Now, if Lulu is going to explain that's some- 
thing like it. When Lulu begins to explain we 
get imagination going. 

Lulu 
Di and I have a little secret. Can't we have a little 
secret if we want one? 

Dwight 
Upon my word, she has a beautiful secret. I don't 
know about your secrets, Lulu. 
[Enter Mrs. Bett.] 

Mrs. Bett 
Hello, Inie. 

Ina 

Oh, mother dear. . . . 

Dwight 
Well, Mother Bett. . . . 

Mrs. Bett 
That you, Dwight? 

[To Bobby.] 
. . . Don't you help me. I guess I can help myself 
yet awhile. 

[Climbs the two steps.] 
[To Di.] 

[126] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Made up your mind to come home, did you? 

[Seats herself.] 
I got a joke. Grandma Gates says it's all over town 

they wouldn't give Di and Bobby Larkin a license 

to get married. 

[Single note of laughter, thin and high.] 

Dwight 
What nonsense! 

Ina 

Is it nonsense? Haven't I been trying to find out 
where the new black bag went? Di! Look at 
mama. . . . 

Di 

Listen to that, Bobby. Listen! 

Ina 
That won't do, Di. You can't deceive mama, and 
don't you try. 

Bobby 
Mrs. Deacon, I 

Dwight 
Diana ! 

Di 
Yes, papa. 

Dwight 
Answer your mother. Answer me. Is there any- 
thing in this absurd tale? 
[127] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Di 
No, papa. 

Dwight 
Nothing whatever? 

Di 

No, papa. 

Dwight 
Can you imagine how such a ridiculous story started ? 

Di 
No, papa. 

Dwight 
Very well. Now we know where we are. If any- 
body hears this report repeated, send them to me. 

Ina 
Well, but that satchel 

Dwight 
One moment. Lulu will of course verify what the 
child has said. 

Lulu 
If you cannot settle this with Di, you cannot settle it 
with me. 

Dwight 
A shifty answer. You're a bird at misrepresenting 

facts. . . . 

[128] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Lulu 
Oh! . . . 

DWIGHT 

Lulu, the bird! 

Lulu 
Lulu, the dove to put up with you. 
[Exit.] 

Ina 
Bobby wanted to say something. . . . 

Bobby 
No, Mrs. Deacon. I have nothing — more to say. 
I'll — I'll go now. 

DWIGHT 

Good-night, Robert. 

[Ina and Dwight transfer bags and wraps to the 
house.] 

Bobby 
Good-night, Mr. Deacon. Good-by, Di. 
[Di follows Bobby. Right.] 

Di 
Bobby, come back, you hate a lie — but what else could 
I do? 

Bobby 
What else could you do ? Fd rather they never let us 
see each other again than to lose you in the way 
I've lost you now. 

[129] 



MISS LULU BETT 
Di 



Eobby! 



Bobby 
It's true. We mustn't talk about it 

Di 
Bobby ! I'll go back and tell them all. 

Bobby 
You can't go back. Not out of a thing like that. 
Good-by, Di. 
[Exit.] 
[Enter D wight and Ina.] 

Di 
If you have any fear that I may elope with Bobby 
Larkin, let it rest. I shall never marry him if he 
asks me fifty times a day. 

Ina 
Really, darling? 

Di 
Really and truly, and he knows it, too. 

Dwight 
A-ha ! The lovelorn maiden all forlorn makes up her 
mind not to be so lorn as she thought she was. 
How does it seem not to be in love with him, 
Di— eh? 

[130] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Di 
Papa, if you make fun of me any more I'll — I'll let 
the first train of cars I can find run over me. . . . 
[Sobs as she runs to house.] 

Mrs. Bett 
Wait, darling! Tell grandma! Did Bobby have an- 
other wife too? 
[Exeunt Mrs. Bett and Di.] 

Ina 

Di, I'd be ashamed, when papa's so good to you. Oh,, 
my ! what parents have to put up with. . . . 

Dwight 
Bear and forbear, pettie — bear and forbear. ... By 
the way, Lulu, haven't I some mail somewhere 
about? 

Lulu 
Yes, there's a letter there. I'll get it for you. 
[She reaches through the window.] 

Dwight 
A-ha ! An epistle from my dear brother Ninian. 

Ina 
Oh, from Ninian, Dwight ? 

Dwight 
From Ninian — the husband of Miss Lulu Bett. . . . 
You opened the letter ? . . . Your sister has been 
opening my mail. 

[131] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Ina 
But, D wight, if it's from Ninian 

Dwight 
It is my mail. 

Ina 

Well, what does he say ? 

Dwight 
I shall read the letter in my own time. My present 
concern is this disregard for my wishes. What 
excuse have you to offer? 

Lulu 
None. 

Ina 

Dwight, she knows what's in it and we don't. Hurry 
up. 

Dwight 
She is an ungrateful woman. 

[Opens the letter, writh the clip ping. ] 

Ina 
[Over his shoulder.] 
Ah ! . . . Dwight, then he was . . . 

Dwight 
M — m — m — m. So after having been absent with my 
brother for a month you find that you were not 
married to him. 

[132] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Lulu 
You see, Dwight, he told the truth. He did have an- 
other wife. He didn't just leave me. 

Dwight 
But this seems to me to make you considerably worse 
off than if he had. 

Lulu 
Oh, no! No! If he hadn't — hadn't liked me, he 
wouldn't have told me about her. You see that, 
don't you ? 

Dwight 
That your apology? . . . Look here, Lulu! This Is 
a bad business. The less you say about it the 
better for all our sakes. You see that, don't you? 

Lulu 
See that ? Why, no. I wanted you to write to him so 
I could tell the truth. You said I mustn't tell the 
truth till I had the proofs. 

Dwight 
Tell whom ? 

Lulu 
Tell everybody. I want them to know. 

Dwight 

Then you care nothing for our feelings in this matter? 

[133] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Lulu 
Your feelings? 

Dwight 
How this will reflect on us — it's nothing to you that we 
have a brother who's a bigamist? 

Lulu 
But it's me — it's me. 

Dwight 
You! You're completely out of it. You've nothing 
more to say about it whatever. Just let it be as 
it is . . . drop it. That's all I suggest. 

Lulu 
I want people to know the truth. 

Dwight 
But it's nobody's business but our business . . . for 
all our sakes let us drop this matter . . . Now I 
tell you, Lulu — here are three of us. Our inter- 
ests are the same in this thing — only Ninian is 
our relative and he's nothing to you now. Is he? 

Lulu 

Why 

Dwight 
Let's have a vote. Your snap judgment is to tell this 
disgraceful fact broadcast. Mine is, least said 
soonest mended. What do you say, Ina ? 

[134] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Ina 

Oh, goodness — if we get mixed up in a scandal like 
this we'll never get away from it. Why, I 
wouldn't have people know of it for worlds. 

Dwight 
Exactly. Ina has stated it exactly. Lulu, I think you 
should be reconciled. 

Ina 

My poor poor sister! Oh, Dwight! when I think of 
it — what have I done, what have we done — that 
I should have a good kind loving husband — be 
so protected, so loved, when other women . . . 
Darling! You know how sorry I am — we all 

are 

Lulu 

Then give me the only thing I've got — that's my pride. 
My pride that he didn't want to get rid of me. 

Dwight 
What about my pride? Do you think I want every- 
body to know that my brother did a thing like 
that? 

Lulu 
You can't help that. 

Dwight 
But I want you to help it. I want you to promise me 
that you won't shame us like this before all our 
friends. 

[135] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Lulu 
You want me to promise what? 

Dwight 
I want you — I ask you to promise me that you will 
keep this with us — a family secret. 

Lulu 
No ! No ! I won't do it ! I won't do it ! I won't do 
it! 

DWIGHT 

You refuse to do this small thing for us? 

Lulu 
Can't you understand anything? I've lived here all 
my life — on your money. I've not been strong 
enough to work they say — well, but I've been 
strong enough to be a hired girl in your house — 
and I've been glad to pay for my keep. . . . But 
there wasn't a thing about it that I liked. Noth- 
ing about being here that I liked. . . . Well, then 
I got a little something, same as other folks. I 
thought I was married and I went off on the 
train and he bought me things and I saw differ- 
ent towns. And then it was all a mistake. I 
didn't have any of it. I came back here and 
went into your kitchen again — I don't know why 
I came back. I suppose it's because I'm most thir- 
ty-four and new things ain't so easy any more — 
but what have I got or what'll I ever have ? And 

[136] 



MISS LULU BETT 

now you want to put on to me having folks look 
at me and think he run off and left me and hav- 
ing them all wonder. I can't stand it. I can't 
stand it. I can't. . . . 

Dwight 
You'd rather they'd know he fooled you when he had 
another wife? 

Lulu 
Yes. Because he wanted me. How do I know — may- 
be he wanted me only just because he was lone- 
some, the way I was. I don't care why. And 
I won't have folks think he went and left me. 

Dwight 
That is wicked vanity. 

Lulu 
That's the truth. Well, why can't they know the 
truth? 

Dwight 
And bring disgrace on us all? 

Lulu 

It's me — It's me 

Dwight 
You — you — you — you're always thinking of yourself. 

Lulu 
Who else thinks of me. And who do you think of — 
who do you think of, Dwight ? I'll tell you that, 
[137] 



MISS LULU BETT 

because I know you better than any one else in the 
world knows you — better even than Ina. And I 
know that you'd sacrifice Ina, Di, mother, Mon- 
ona, Ninian — everybody, just to your own idea 
of who you are. You're one of the men who 
can smother a whole family and not even know 
you're doing it. 

Dwight 
You listen to me. It's Ninian I'm thinking about 



Lulu 



Ninian. . . . 



Dwight 

Yes, yes . . . Ninian! ... Of course if you don't 

care what happens to him, it doesn't matter. 

Lulu 
What do you mean ? 

Dwight 
If you don't love him any more. . . . 

Lulu 
You know I love him. I'll always love him. 

Dwight 
That's likely. A woman doesn't send the man she 
loves to prison. 

[138] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Lulu 
I send him to prison ! Why, he's brought me the only 
happiness I've ever had. . . . 

Dwight 
But prison is just where he'll go and you'll be the one 
to send him there. 

Lulu 
Oh ! That couldn't be. . . . That couldn't be. . . . 

Dwight 
Don't you realize that bigamy is a crime? If you tell 
this thing he'll go to prison . . . nothing can save 
him. 

Lulu 
I never thought of that. . . . 

Dwight 
It's time you did think. Now will you promise to 
keep this with us, a family secret? 

Lulu 
Yes. I promise. 

Dwight 
You will? . . . 

Lulu 
Yes ... I will. 

Dwight 
A . . . h. You'll be happy some day to think you've 
done this for us, Lulu. 
[139] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Lulu 
I s'pose so. . . . 

Ina 
This makes up for everything. My sweet self-sacrific- 
ing sister! 

Lulu 
Oh, stop that! 

Ina 

Oh, the pity of it . . . the pity of it! . . . 

Lulu 
Don't you go around pitying me ! Ill have you know 
I'm glad the whole thing happened. 

CURTAIN 



ACT III 

The same. Discover Mrs. Bett, tidying the porch 
and singing. It is the following morning. 
[Enter Lulu with bag.] 

Mrs. Bett 
Where you going- now, for pity sakes? 

Lulu 
Mother. Now, mother darling, listen and try to under- 
stand. 

Mrs. Bett 
Well, I am listening, Lulie. 

Lulu 
Mother, I can't stay here. I can't stay here any longer. 
I've got to get clear away from D wight and Ina. 

Mrs. Bett 
You want to live somewhere else, Lulie? 

Lulu 

I can't live here and have people think Ninian left me. 

I can't tell the truth and bring disgrace on Ninian. 

And I can't stay here in Dwight's kitchen a day 

longer. Oh, mother ! I wish you could see 

[hi] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Mrs. Bett 
Why, Lulie, I do see that. 

Lulu 
You do, mother? 

Mrs. Bett 
I've often wondered why you didn't go before. 

Lulu 
Oh, mother, you dear 

Mrs. Bett 
You needn't think because I'm old I don't know a 
thing or two. 

Lulu 

You want me to go ? 

Mrs. Bett 
It's all I can do for you now, Lulie. Just to want you 
to go. I'm old and I'm weak and I can't keep 
care of you like when you was little. 

Lulu 
Oh, mother, I'm so glad! 

Mrs. Bett 
I ain't exactly glad 

Lulu 
Dearest, I mean I was so afraid you wouldn't under- 
stand 

[142] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Mrs. Bett 

Why wouldn't I understand, I'd like to know? You 

speak like I didn't have a brain in my skull. 

Lulu 

No, dear, but 

Mrs. Bett 
You mind me, Lulie, and go on. Go on. . . . Say, 
scat's sake, you can't go. You ain't got any 
money. 

Lulu 
Yes, mother, I have. I've got twelve dollars. 

Mrs. Bett 
And I ain't got much. Only enough to bury me nice. 

Lulu 
Don't you worry, mother. I'll be all right. I'll get 
work. 

Mrs. Bett 
Mother wants to help you. Here, Lulie, you take my 
funeral fifty. Joke on Dwight to make him bury 
me. 

Lulu 
Oh, no, mother, I couldn't. 

Mrs. Bett 
You mind me, Lulie. Do as mother tells you. 

Lulu 
Mother, dearest! Oh, I wish I could take you with 
me! 

[143] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Mrs. Bett 
You needn't to worry about me. If I get lonesome I 
can give Dwight the dickens. 

Lulu 
Good-by — dear — good-by. I'll go the back way, they 
won't see me. 
[Lulu kisses her and turns away. Left.] 

Mrs. Bett 
Lulie. Mother loves you. You know that, don't you? 

Lulu 
Dearest, yes — ^es, I do know. 

[She g&es. Mrs. Bett trembles, turns, sees her 
dust cloth, goes on working and begins to hum.] 
[Enter Dwight.] 

Dwight 
Ready for breakfast, Mama Bett? 

Mrs. Bett 
No, I ain't ready. 

Dwight 
Neither is the breakfast. Lulu must be having the 
tantrim. 

Mrs. Bett 
I s'pose you think that's funny. 

Dwight 
Lulu ought to think of you — old folks ought to have 

regular meals 

[144] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Mrs. Bett 
Old? Old? Me, old? 

DWIGHT 

Well, you're hungry. That's what makes you so cross, 
Mama Bett. 

Mrs. Bett 
All you think of is food, anyhow. 

Dwight 
Who has a better right? Who provides the food we 
eat? 

Mrs. Bett 
That's all you're good for. 

Dwight 

Well, I may not amount to much in this old world of 

ours but I flatter myself I'm a good provider. 

Mrs. Bett 
If I was going to brag I'd brag original. 

Dwight 
You mustn't talk like that. You know you're my best 
girl. 

Mrs. Bett 
Don't you best-girl me. 

Dwight 
There, there, there. . . . 

[145] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Mrs. Bett 
Now look at you. Walking all over me like I wasn't 
here — like I wasn't nowhere. 

Dwight 
Now, Mama Bett, you're havin' the tantrim. 

Mrs. Bett 
Am I ? All right then I am. What you going to do 
about it? How you going to stop me? 

Dwight 
Now, now, now, now. . . . 
[Enter Ina.] 

Ina 
Dwight, I can't think what's happened to Lulu. Break- 
fast isn't even started. 

Dwight 
Lulu must be having a rendezvous. 
[Grandma snorts.] 

Ina 
That's randevoo, Dwightie. Not rendezvous. 

Dwight 
You two are pretty particular, seems to me. 

Mrs. Bett 
Oh, no! We ain't used to the best 
[Di is at the door.] 

[i 4 6] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Di 
Hello, family! What's the matter with breakfast? 

Mrs. Bett 
There ain't any. 

Ina 

Di, let's you and I get breakfast just to show Aunt 
Lulu that we can. 

Mrs. Bett 
Say if you two are going to get breakfast, I'll go over 
to Grandma Gates for a snack. 
[Enter Monona.] 

Monona 
What do you s'pose ? Aunt Lulu's trunk is locked and 
strapped in her room. 

Ina 

Monona, stop imagining things. 

Monona 
Well, it is. And I saw her going down the walk with 
her satchel when I was washing me. 

Dwight 
Lulu must be completely out of her mind. 

Mrs. Bett 
First time I've known her to show good sense in years. 

[147] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Ina 

Why, mama! 

Dwight 
Mother Bett, do you know where Lulu is? 

Mrs. Bett 
Mother knows a-plenty. 

Ina 
Mama, what do you mean? 

Mrs. Bett 
I know all about Lulie being gone. She went this 
morning. I told her to go. 

Ina 
Why, mama! How can you talk so! When Dwight 
has been so good to you and Lulu. . . . 

Mrs. Bett 
Good, yes, he's give us a pillow and a baked po- 
tato 

Dwight 

So ! You and Lulu presume to upset the arrangement 

of my household without one word to me. 

Mrs. Bett 
Upset, upset — You cockroach! . . . 

Ina 
Monona! Stop listening. Now run away and play. 
Di, you go and begin breakfast. 

[i 4 8] 



MISS LULU BETT, 

Di 

Yes, mummy. 

Monona 
Aw, let me stay. 

Ina 
[Exeunt Di and Monona.] 
Go at once, children. 

Mother, you ought not to use such language before 
young people. 

Mrs. Bett 
Don't you think they're fooled. What do you suppose 
Di was going to run away with Bobby Larkin 
for, only to get away from you. 

Dwight 
Mother Bett! 

Mrs. Bett 
What do you suppose Lulu married Ninian for — 
only to get shed of both of you. 

Ina 

Oh please, please, somebody think a little bit of me. 
Dwight, do go after Lulu — go to the depot — she 
couldn't get away before the 8:37. 

Dwight 
My dear Ina, my dignity 

Ina 

Oh, please do go! 

TI4Q] 



MISS LULU BETT 

DWIGHT 

Oh, my heavens! what a house full of women 

Ina 
Dwight, we can't get along without Lulu. 

Dwight 
Upsetting things about my ears. . . . 
[Exit.] 

Ina 
Mama, I do think it's too bad of you— oh! now I'll 
try to get some breakfast. 
[Exit.] 

Mrs. Bett 
Going to try to, he-e ! 
[Enter Monona.] 

Monona 
Oh, grandma isn't it fun with so much going on! 

Mrs. Bett 
What's that, you little ape? 

Monona 
Oh, I just love it! Everybody makes such funny 
faces. 

Mrs. Bett 
Some people are born with funny faces. Monona, 
ain't you ever going to grow up? 

[1503 



MISS LULU BETT 

Monona 
Grandma, I am grown up. 

Mrs. Bett 
You don't act like it. 

Monona 
Well, grown folks don't neither. 

Mrs. Bett 
Sh-hh-hhh, stop talking back to me. 

Monona 
Everybody shushes me. If I don't talk, how'll they 
know I'm there? 

Mrs. Bett 
I guess they could bear up if they didn't know you was 
there. 

Monona 
I'd better get in, or I'll catch it. 
[Monona sings a silly song.] 

Mrs. Bett 
[Rocking in rhythm with the song.] 
Scot's sake, what am I doing ! Them wicked words. 
[Enter Di.] 

Di 
Monona, mama wants you. 

[151] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Monona 

I'd better go or I'll catch it. I'll catch it anyway ? 

[Exit] 

[Enter Ninian.] 

Di 

Uncle Ninian! Well it's just about time you showed 
up. 

Ninian 
You're right, Di. But I came as soon as I could. 

Di 
You might as well know. I think you're a perfect 
slunge. 

Mrs. Bett 
Land sakes! 

Ninian 
Mrs. Bett. 

Mrs. Bett 
Don't you come near me! Don't you speak to me! 
You whited centipede! 

Ninian 
That's what I expected and that's what I deserve. 

Mrs. Bett 
Move on! Move on! 

Ninian 
Let me tell you something first, Mother Bett. 

[152] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Mrs. Bett 
Don't you "mother" me. 

NlNIAN 

Yes, that's just what I mean, Mother Bett. I've found 
that the woman I married died in Rio years ago. 
Here's a letter from the consul. 

Mrs. Bett 
Dead? Ain't that nice! But what ailed you all the 
time ? A man with any get-up-and-get would have 
known that all along. 

NlNIAN 

I'm not excusing myself any, Mother Bett. 

Mrs. Bett 
Well, perhaps you're as good as you know how to be. 
Anyway, your mother's responsible for a good 
deal without counting you. 

NlNIAN 

Mother Bett, where is Lulu? 

Mrs. Bett 
Who, Lulie? Oh, she's run away. 

NlNIAN 

What do you say? 

Mrs. Bett 
She's gone off on the train this morning. I told her 
to go. 

[153] 



MISS LULU BETT 

NlNIAN 

Mother Bett, Mother Bett — where has she gone? 

Mrs. Bett 
Gone to call her soul her own, I guess. 

NlNIAN 

But Mother Bett, where did Lulu go? 

Mrs. Bett 
She might be at the depot. 

NlNIAN 

Can I catch her? 

Mrs. Bett 
You can catch her if ye can run in them white- 
mittens. 

NlNIAN 

Run? Watch me. 
[Exit running.] 

Di 
Oh! Grandma, isn't it just too romantic? 

Mrs. Bett 
What do you mean — rheumatic? 
[Enter Monona.] 

Monona 
Breakfast's ready, grandma. 

Mrs. Bett 
Breakfast ! I wouldn't know coffee from flapjacks. 

[154] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Monona 
I've been catching it all morning and I didn't do a 
thing. 

Mrs. Bett 
What's that, little ape? 

Monona 
Grandma, honestly, do you see why because Aunt 
Lulu ran away the whole family should pick on 
me? 

Mrs. Bett 
Come here, you poor neglected child! 

Monona 
Mama's getting breakfast and she's burned all over 
and she's so cross — m-m-m. Why here she comes 
now! 

Mrs. Bett 
Who? 

Di 

Aunt Lulu ! 

[Enter Lulu.] 

Lulu 
Mother 

Monona 
Oh, goody — now they'll pick on you instead of me. 

[155] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Mrs. Bett 
[Softly.] 

Monona ! You run down the road as tight as you can 
and catch your Uncle Ninian quick — Sh-sh- 
sh 

Monona 
Uncle Ninian! Oh — oh! 
[Exit] 

Lulu 
Mother — what do you think I've heard? 

Mrs. Bett 
Land knows! my head's whirlin'. Who found you? 

Lulu 
Found me? 

Mrs. Bett 
I can count up to 'leven in this house that's went after 
you or went after them that went after them — 
Oh land! . . . 

Lulu 
Mother, the station agent said to me just now when 
I went to buy my ticket, he said, "You just missed 
your husband. He went hurrying up the street" 
I couldn't go till I knew. 

Di 
Why, Aunt Lulu, haven't you heard 



MISS LULU BETT 

Mrs. Bett 
Sh-h-h-h — Leave it burst. 
[Enter Dwight.] 

Dwight 
So . . . after making me traipse all over town for 
you and before breakfast. . . . What is the mean- 
ing of this, Lulu? Answer me. 

Mrs. Bett 
Sit down, Dwight. Take off your hat why don't you ? 
[Enter Ina.] 

Ina 

Forevermore. 

Lulu 
Were you looking for me, Dwight? 

Dwight 
What about our breakfast, may I ask? 

Lulu 
Haven't you had your breakfast, Dwight? I had 
mine in the bakery. 

Mrs. Bett 
In the bakery ! On expense ! 

Ina 

Lulu, where have you been? 

Lulu 
How good of you to miss me! 

[157] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Ina 
Lulu, you don't act like yourself 

Lulu 
That's the way I heard the women talk in Savannah, 
Georgia. "So good of you to miss me." 

Dwight 
Lulu, let's have no more of this nonsense. . . . 

Lulu 
Whose nonsense, Dwight? I've left your home for 
good and all. I'm going somewhere else to work. 

Ina 

Why, Lulu, what will people think of Dwight and me 
if we let you do that? 

Dwight 

So you thought better of the promise you made to us 

last evening not to tell our affairs broadcast. 

Lulu 
Your affairs? No, Dwight, you can tell them any- 
thing you like when I'm gone. 

Ina 

How am I ever going to keep house without you? 
Dwight, you've simply got to make her stay. 
When I think of what I went through while she 
was away . . . everything boils over, and what 
I don't expect to b-b-boil b-b-burns. Sister, how 
can you be so cruel when Dwight and I 

[158] 



MISS LULU BETT 

D WIGHT 

Patience, patience, pettie . . . Lulu, I ask you to stay 
here where you belong. 

Lulu 
No, Dwight, I'm through. 

Dwight 
So, sister mine, have you found some other man will- 
ing to run away with you? 

Lulu 
That will do, Dwight. You've pretended so long you 
can't be honest with yourself, any of the time. 
Your whole life is a lie. 

Mrs. Bett 
Save your breath, Lulie. 

[Enter Monona with Ninian.] 

Dwight 
At least, Miss Lulu Bett, neither Ina nor I ever had 
to lie about our marriage. 

Monona 
Here he is, grandma. 

Lulu 
Oh. . . . 

Ninian 
What's that your saying, Dwight? 

[iS9] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Ina 

Forevermore ! 

Lulu 
Ninian. . . . 

NlNIAN 

Lulu. ... So I didn't miss you. 

Dwight 
Ha! ha! . . . The happy bridegroom comes at last. 
What's the meaning of this, Ninian? 

Ninian 
I'll bet he's made life beautiful for you since you got 
back. Anything more to say, Dwight? 

Dwight 
Yes, Lulu was planning to run away. ... I was tell- 
ing her she'd better stay here at home where she'd 
have us to stand by her. 

Ninian 
Yes, I've heard how you stood by her. You're a mag- 
nificent protector, you are! 

Dwight 
Look here, Nin, don't you feel that you have to sacri- 
fice yourself. Lulu is well enough off here. 

Ina 

She was quite happy until you came, Ninian. 
[160] 



MISS LULU BETT 

NlNIAN 

You hypocrites ! 

Mrs. Bett 
Hypocrites ! He-e ! 

Ina 

Children, stop listening to older people. 

Di 
Oh, mama! . . . 

Monona 
[Crying.] 
Oh . . . Let me stay! 

Ina 

Children! . . . 

[Exeunt Di and Monona.] 
Ninian, how can you say such things to us! 

Ninian 
Lulu has suffered as much from you as she has from 
me. 

Mrs. Bett 
That's right, Ninian. Plain talk won't hurt nobody 
around here. 

Ninian 
Lulu, can you forgive me? 

Lulu 
But Cora Waters . . . what of her? 
[161] 



MISS LULU BETT 

DWIGHT 

Yes, what about your other wife? 

NlNIAN 

I haven't any other wife — just Lulu. 

Mrs. Bett 
Cora Waters is dead. I knew it all along. 

Lulu 
Ninian, is it true? 

NlNIAN 

Yes, it's true. 

Mrs. Bett 
He's confided in his mother. He told me all about it. 

NlNIAN 

Will you come back to me, Lulu? 

Mrs. Bett 
Better take him, Lulie. You can have that fifty to 
furnish up the parlor. 

Lulu 
Oh, mother! I wish we could have you with us. 

NlNIAN 

Do you forgive me? 

Lulu 
I forgave you in Savannah, Georgia. 

curtain 

[162] 



ACT III 

[As originally produced December 2J, 1920.] 



ACT III 

The piano store: Empty, bare, three or four up- 
right pianos with bright plush spreads and plush- 
covered stools. Back, a dark green sateen cur- 
tain. It is the following morning. 
[Discover Cornish at a little table, on which is 

opened a large black book.] 
[Enter Monona, carrying basket of parcels.] 

Monona 
Oh, Mr. Cornish. . . . 

Cornish 

Hello, there, Monona! How's everything? 

Monona 
Everything's perfectly awful up to our house. 

Cornish 
Miss Lulu's all right, I hope? 

Monona 
Aunt Lulu is 

Cornish 
There! I knew it. I know this thing was going to 
wind up in a fit of sickness 

[165] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Monona 
Sick. . . . No. She's gone. 

Cornish 
Gone! Miss Lulu gone? 

Monona 
Run away. 

Oh, with who? 



Cornish 



Monona 
Nobody, I guess. She skipped out of the house early 
this morning. It was me saw her going down the 
walk with her bag. It was me told everybody. 
It was me found her trunk packed and locked in 
her room. That's all. 

Cornish 
This is terrible, terrible — and your people not home 
yet? 

Monona 
I should say they are. Came last night. 

Cornish 
But what are they doing to find her? 

Monona 
Papa said he wouldn't do a thing. Mamma's been 
getting breakfast and she's burned all over, and 
she's so cross — m-m ! 

[166] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Cornish 
Yes, but aren't they trying to find Lulu — your Aunt 
Lulu 

Monona 
Grandma says she knows she's dead. Probably she's 
drowned in the river and they'll get her out with 
her hair all stringy 

Cornish 
See here. I think I'll come up to your house. I'll 
put a little notice on my door 

Monona 
I better go now. I'll catch it anyhow. I've been catch- 
ing it all the morning and I didn't do a thing. 
Mr. Cornish, honestly, do you see why, because 
Aunt Lulu ran away, the whole family should 
pick on me? 

Cornish 
Well, we must all help as much as we can, Monona 

Monona 
Up to our house, honestly, you'd think I was the one 
that had done it. And I may! 
[Exit, running.] 

Cornish 
I'll be right there, as soon as I can lock up. 

[He disappears behind the green curtain. 

Pause. ] 
[Enter Lulu.] 

[167] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Lulu 
Mr. Cornish. Mr. Cornish. 
[Cornish appears.] 

Cornish 
Well! 

Lulu 
Well! 

Cornish 
You're out early. 

Lulu 
Oh, no! 

Cornish 
My, but I'm glad to see you. Won't you sit down? 

Lulu 
I can only stay a minute. Wasn't that Monona just 
went out of here? 

Cornish 
Yes, that was Monona. 

Lulu 
Did she say anything about me? 

Cornish 
She — she said you'd run away. She — she must have 
been mistaken. 

Lulu 
No, she wasn't. I have. 

[168] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Cornish 
Why, Miss Lulu! 

Lulu 
Or I'm going on the 10:10. My bag's in the bakery. 
I had my breakfast in the bakery. . . . I've left 
them for good. 

Cornish 
Then I suppose he cut up like a hyena over that letter 
being opened. 

Lulu 
Oh, he forgave me that. 

Cornish 
Forgave you! 

Lulu 
Overlooked it, rather. 

Cornish 
Anyway he's convinced now about that other Mrs. 
Ninian Deacon? 

Lulu 
Yes, but you mustn't say anything about that, please, 
ever. 

Cornish 
Even now? Well, I'll be jumped up. Even now? 
Then — I guess I see why you're going. 

Lulu 
It isn't only that. I'm going . . . I'm going! 

[169] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Cornish 
I see. Would — would you tell me where? 

Lulu 
Maybe. After a while. 

Cornish 
I do want you to. Because I — I think you're a brick. 

Lulu 
Oh, no! 

Cornish 
Yes, you are. By George! you don't find very many 
married women with as good sense as you've got. 
That is, I mean 

Lulu 
All right. I know. Thank you. 

Cornish 
You've been a jewel in their home — I know that. 
They're going to miss you no end. 

Lulu 
They'll miss my cooking. 

Cornish 
They'll miss more than that. I've watched you 
there. . . 

Lulu 
You have? 

[170] 



MISS LULU BETT, 

Cornish 
You made the whole place go. 

Lulu 
You don't mean just the cooking? 

Cornish 
No. 

Lulu 
I never had but one compliment before that wasn't for 
my cooking. He told me I done up my hair 
nice. . . . That was after I took notice how the 
ladies in Savannah, Georgia, done up theirs. 

Cornish 
Well, well, well! . . . 

Lulu 
I must go now. I wanted to say good-by to you. . . . 

Cornish 
I hate to have you go. I — I hate to have you go. 

Lulu 
Oh, well! 

Cornish 
Look here, I wish — I wish you weren't going. 

Lulu 
Do you? Good-by. 

Cornish 
Can't I come to the depot with you? 
ti7i] 



MISS LULU BETT. 

Lulu 
You can't leave the store alone. 

Cornish 
Yes. I'll put a little notice on the door. . . • 

Lulu 
No. That would be bad for the business. Good-by. 

Cornish 
Good-by, Miss Lulu! Good-by, good-by, good- 
by! .. . 

Lulu 
There's something else. I'm going to tell you — I 
don't care what Dwight says. 
[Takes letter from her handbag.] 
As long as I told you the other part, I'm going to 
tell you this. 

Cornish 
I want to know everything you'll let me know. 

Lulu 
See — at the office this morning was this. It's from 
Ninian. 

Cornish 
Well, I should think he'd better write. 

Lulu 
Nobody must know. It was bad enough for the family 
before, but now . . . here it is: 
[172] 



MISS LULU BETT 

". . . just want you to know you're actually 
rid of me. I've heard from her, in Brazil. 
She ran out of money and thought of me, 
and her lawyer wrote to me. . . .V 
... he incloses the lawyer's letter. 
"I've never been any good — Dwight would tell 
you that if his pride would let him tell the 
truth once in a while. But there isn't any- 
thing in my life makes me feel as bad as 
this. . . » 

. . . well, that part doesn't matter. But you see. 

He didn't lie to get rid of me— and she was alive 

just as he thought she might be ! 

Cornish 
And you're free now. 

Lulu 
That's so— I am. I hadn't thought of that. . . . It's 
late. Now I'm really going. Good-by. 

Cornish 
Don't say good-by. 

Lulu 

It's nearly train time. 

Cornish 
Don't you go. . . . Do you think you could possibly 
stay here with me? 

[173] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Lulu 

Oh! . . . 

Cornish 

I haven't got anything. I guess maybe you've heard 
something about a little something I'm supposed 
to inherit. Well, it's only five hundred dol- 
lars. . . . That little Warden house — it don't cost 
much — you'd be surprised. Rent, I mean. I can 
get it now. I went and looked at it the other day 
but then I didn't think . . . well, I mean, it don't 
cost near as much as this store. We could fur- 
nish up the parlor with pianos . . . that is, if you 
could ever think of such a thing as marrying me. 

Lulu 
But — you know! Why, don't the disgrace 

Cornish 
What disgrace? 

Lulu 

Oh, you — you 

Cornish 
There's only this about that. Of course, if you loved 
him very much then I ought not to be talking this 
way to you. But I didn't think 

Lulu 
You didn't think what? 

Cornish 
That you did care so very much about him. I don't 
know why. 

[174] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Lulu 
I wanted somebody of my own. That's the reason 
I done what I done. I know that now. 

Cornish 
1 figured that way. . . . Look here, I ought to tell 
you. I'm — I'm awful lonesome myself. This is 
no place to live. Look — look here. 
[He draws the green curtain, revealing the mean 
little cot and washstand.] 
I guess living so is one reason why I want to get 
married. I want some kind of a home. 

Lulu 
Of course. 

Cornish 
I ain't never lived what you might say private. 

Lulu 
I've lived too private. 
[Pause.] 

Cornish 
Then there's another thing. I — I don't believe I'm 
ever going to be able to do anything with the law. 

Lulu 
I don't see how anybody does. 

Cornish 
And I'm not much good in a business way. Some- 
times I think that I may never be able to make 
any money. 

ti75] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Lulu 
Lots of men don't. 

Cornish 

Well, there it is. I'm no good at business. I'll never 
be a lawyer. And — and everything I say sounds 
wrong to me. And yet I do believe that I'd know 
enough not to bully a woman. Not to make her 
unhappy. Maybe — even, I could make her a little 
happy. 

Lulu 

Lots of men do. 
[Voices.] 
[Enter Ina, D wight and Mrs. Bett.] 

Ina 

Oh, Dwight! she's still here. 

Dwight 
So this is where we find our Lulu! 

Lulu 
Did you want me, Dwight? 

Ina 
Want you? Why, Lulu! are you crazy? Of course 
we want you. Why aren't you home? 
[Nursing her wrist, which is bandaged, with the 
other hand, which is bandaged, too.] 

Mrs. Bett 
Lulie, Lulie, we thought you'd gone off again. 
[176] 



MISS LULU BETT. 

Lulu 
Mother, darling. . . . 

DWIGHT 

Here am I kept home from the office, trying my best 
to take your place. You're a most important per- 
sonage, Miss Lulu Bett. 

Lulu 
What did you want of me? 

Ina 

Want of you? Why, my goodness. . . . 

Dwight 
If you had tasted bacon fried as the bacon was fried 
which I have tasted this day 

Ina 

Oh, Dwight, that's not funny! 

Dwight 
No. And the muffins were not funny either. Yes 
they were! 

Lulu 
How good of you to miss me! 

Ina 

Lulu, you don't act like yourself. 

Lulu 
That was the way I heard the women talk in Savannah, 
Georgia. "So good of you to miss me." 
U77] 



MISS LULU BETT 

DWIGHT 

Lulu, what does this mean? No more of this non- 
sense. 

Lulu 
Whose nonsense, Dwight? 

Dwight 
We know that your trunk is locked and strapped in 
your room and you were seen going down the 
street with a bag. You have flown here, pre- 
sumably to discuss your situation with an out- 
sider. Is this fair to us? 

Lulu 
What do you want me to do, Dwight? 

Ina 
Do ? Why, we want you to come home. 

Lulu 
Home ! 

Dwight 
Also to explain your amazing behavior. 

Cornish 
May I do that, Miss Lulu? 

Lulu 
No— no thank you. I think I'd like to speak for my- 
self. Dwight, I've left your home for good and 
all. 

[178] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Ina 

Sister. . . . 

Mrs. Bett 
Lulie . . . Lulie! . . . 

Dwight 
Ah-ha ! You have thought better of the promise you 
made to Ina and me last evening not to tell our 
affairs broadcast. 

Lulu 
I've thought no better of it — and no worse. I couldn't. 
But I've been thinking of something else. Of 
you, Dwight. 

Dwight 
Ah— I'm flattered. 

Lulu 
. . . Let it go at that. ... In any case, I've left your 
home. 

Ina 
But where are you going ? 

Lulu 
I meant to go somewhere else and work. 

Ina 

Go somewhere else and work. Cook ? Lulu, have you 

no consideration for Dwight and me at all ? What 

would people think if we let you do that. . . . 

[179] 



MISS LULU BETT 

DWIGHT 

Patience, patience, pettie. Let's have no more of this, 
Lulu. I imagine you're not quite well. Come 
home with us, now, there's a good girl. 

Lulu 
No, Dwight. 

Ina 

Lulu, I simply can't keep house without you. When I 
think of going through with what I went through 
this summer while you were away. . . . Every- 
thing b-boils over and what I don't expect to 
b-boil b-burns. . . . 
[Sobs.] 

Dwightie, you've got to make her stay. 

Dwight 
Pettie — control yourself. . . . Lulu, I ask you, I im- 
plore you, to come back home with us. 



Miss Lulu. . . . 
Yes? 

May I tell them? 

Lulu 
What is there to tell them ? 
[180] 



Cornish 

Lulu 
Cornish 



MISS LULU BETT 

Cornish 
I think Miss Lulu and I are going to — arrange. 

Lulu 
O but not yet — not yet. 

Dwight 

What — you ? You and Cornish ? I should think not. 
How can you? 

Lulu 
Cora Waters is alive. Ninian's heard from her. 
There's her lawyer's letter. 

Ina 

Forevermore ! 

Mrs. Bett 
What you talking — what you talking. I want to know 
but I ain't got something in my head. . . . Lulie, 
you ain't going to get married again, are you — 
after waiting so long? 

Dwight 
Don't be disturbed, Mother Bett. She wasn't married 
that first time. No marriage about it. 

Ina 

Dwight! If Lulu marries Mr. Cornish, then every- 
body'll have to know about Ninian and his other 
wife. 

[181] 



MISS LULU BETT 

Lulu 
That's so. You would have to tell, wouldn't you? I 
never thought of that. Well — you can get used 
to the idea while I'm gone. 

Dwight 
Gone? 

Ina 
Gone where? 

Mrs. Bett 
Where you goin' now, for pity sakes? 

Lulu 
Away. I thought I wanted somebody of my own. 
Well, maybe it was just myself. 

Dwight 
What ridiculous talk is this? 

Cornish 
Lulu — couldn't you stay with me 

Lulu 
Sometime, maybe. I don't know. But first I want to 
see out of my own eyes. For the first time in 
my life. Good-by, mother. 

Mrs. Bett 
Lulie, Lulie. . . . 

Lulu 
[At the door.] 
Good-by. Good-by, all of you. I'm going I don't 
[182] 



MISS LULU BETT 

know where — to work at I don't know what. 

But I'm going from choice! 

[Exit] 

[Cornish follows her.] 

Mrs. Bett 
Who's going to do your work now, I'd like to know? 



CURTAIN 



CD 



Ct£. L. 



